Movement, Fear, Forgiveness.....and figuring it all out!

I have been participating in the 21 Get Moving Challenge with Nichole Kellerman.  It is a simple concept of JUST MOVE.  If today it feels like just walking......do it; if a mind/body workout is calling your name....do it; if a good stretch is shouting to you.......do it; and if your body asks you to rest......just do it.

For the last 18 months, my movement has been curtailed by a few foot/ankle surgeries and pre-surgery procedures and post-surgery procedures....grrr.  It has been very frustrating that I was a very active woman.  I went to Jazzercise 3 times per week, to the gym a time or two to work with my favorite trainer nicknamed Helga, and I walked my favorite fur baby for miles every night..  I logged mile after mile and was so happy.  One Sunday morning, my fur ball of energy decided she needed to go out walking in the snow.  It was a pretty, light, fun  and soft snow.  We got about 4 blocks from the house and I slid on black ice.  It appears that I dislodged a small piece of bone in the heel and did some damage to the tendons.  My fabulous podiatrist suggested I try spending time in a boot.  I did that for a few weeks.  I did get some relief.  Got out of the boot....it got worse.  Pain was shooting up my leg and the calf muscle was permanently (or so it felt) tight.  Surgery was suggested after enduring months of multiple shots of medication trying to resolve the pain.  It was the longest, dark time in my life.  I was on crutches, stuck in the boot for MONTHS.  Funny thing is walking the the boot, dancing in the boot, was impossible. I gave up

 That was the sad part.  I gave up.  I only understood movement as being jazzercise, walking and working with the trainer.  It was hard to hobble in the boot as my stride (for what little it was) was off.  My whole body ached.  It was suggested that I get regular massages to make it feel better.  It would feel better for the moment but it did not last long.  I did not spend much time out of the boot so I thought I could not try the stretches or movement the massage therapist suggested.  I did not try yoga, I did not try things that I could do.

As I have been working through a program for the last year I am now realizing it was fear stopping me.  Fear of the unknown.  I only knew the movement I was used to.  It was fear of failure.......what happened if I did not successfully do something.  Was I a failure?  That scared me most of all.

I have learned that failure is NOT failure.....it is a stumble along the way.  The true failure is in not trying.  If I hid from life I did not have to try so I did not have to fail.

So, after much time, more surgery and NOT being AFRAID of the exercises the doctor gave me (funny how he should know what is best for me......isn't that what I am paying him for?!) my foot is feeling better.

I have taken time to work through the fear.  I have written many notes and letters to myself in forgiveness.  The list is endless but it started with, I forgive myself for not listening to my body; I forgive myself for not trying the simple exercises ; I forgive myself for not honoring my body with nutrition that it needed to heal; I forgive myself for being afraid to fail; I forgive myself.  I have also taken the time to tell myself how proud I am of my progress.

The best part of all of this......I have been taking the dog for short walks (it has been brutally cold and snowy....and when the snow is almost over her head it is not a great idea to wander too far!).  I have been doing some great mind/body workouts (easy versions with modifications I am comfortable with).  I have gone to the gym to ride the recumbent bike.  I have been stretching and doing the resistance band exercises the doctor gave me....and today I took my first Jazzercise class in 18 months.   It is a start.  I will not be jumping back into 3-4 times per week.  This is baby steps and I will be adding this to the laps I do in the office, stretching, Leslie Sansone's walking off the pounds videos.  I will slowly incorporate all my favorite things into my active daily life.....and now that I have found other things that are just as much fun, I have one helluva repertoire at my beck and call!

It is pretty cool when it all starts to come together.....I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!