Licking my wounds and moving on......

I have been dealing with a lot of emotions lately.  I have closed some chapters, shut some windows, and gone looking for those other doors to be open.


There was the friend who was working out of state........and out of the country.  There were words of wanting to settle down.  He was tired of working all over the place.  I took him at his word.  That is what I do......I am a believer; a glass half full kind of girl.  As this last project was coming to a close, he got a request to review yet another project for him to be away.  I was tired of waiting.  All the words could not fill the gap between here and wherever the next job was to be.  I offered to continue to chat but I was emphatic that I was not waiting any longer.  When he gets back to IL he can look me up if he chooses.  I got some of the 'I don't believe this' and 'I will be home, I promise' but those types of promise were thin and wearing on me and my heart.  CHAPTER CLOSED.

The 90 days have passed with the food sensitivities.  I thought I would be more excited.....well, actually I was.  The first thing I tried was pasta.  I was doing the happy dance.....one of my most favorite comfort foods is pasta with tuna, onions, and mayo.  OMG.....did my stomach hurt.  I started to wonder what was making me hurt.  A few days later I tried angel air pasta with butter and cheese.  Again I had the achy belly.  Digestive enzymes was about the only thing that gave me relief.  I wondered if it was the cheese.....surely it would not be the pasta!  I let a few more days go by and again I made a pasta dish (how many Italians can pass up a good pasta dish) and had the same reaction.  It most likely is the gluten in the pasta.  I might have to try quinoa pasta instead.  I do know that because of the reaction, I will let another 60 days go by and let my stomach lining continue to heal.  I have had a similar reaction to cashews (boo!) so again, letting time pass will allow the stomach to heal and eventually I will be able to enjoy all the 'hit list' foods!  WINDOW SHUT.


I am looking for something new to be passionate about.  One thing I did was renew a dating website profile.  I have decided that if there is not an immediate interest, I will bow out nicely and say no.  I am not desperate to have a man in my life.  I want a man in my life but it does not make me who I am.  I am much more than a gal with a man.  Heck.....that what BOB is for, right?!  DOOR OPEN


I have made inquiries about dance lessons.  I am not sure if I can wear heels for dancing so that is my biggest concern.  I have asked the question and am waiting for an answer back.  I have been reading the book "A year with Eleanor" (Roosevelt) and how Eleanor faced her fears and the lead in the story is doing the same thing.  I don't feel as graceful as I once did but I know I can be again!   DOOR OPEN


I have searched out a physical therapist for a consult on my knee and ankle.  They can't continue to hurt and me not do something about it.  I have to try.  If there is nothing else I can do, so be it; if I don't ask I will never know and then just complain.  I saw a picture the other day that said "complaining without a solution is whining"......and I don't want any cheese with that whine!  Time to seek and conquer.  DOOR OPEN



I found a store that will help me finish 2 quilts I have been working on AND offers knitting lessons too!
 BONUS........so I am hoping over the next weeks to get my quilt to the point I can get their input.  I am also looking forward to hearing from the knitting instructor......then I can join my cyber friends in knitting! DOOR OPEN




I am very excited to see what the future holds and what 'trouble' I can get into.  I will be in Italy in a few weeks and for that I am truly excited.  Choir will be coming back together soon.......I love singing in the choir!  Summer will come to an end and Fall will arrive, followed by Winter and snow (my favorite).  I am not wishing time away but am looking to the future, one event at a time, to savor what is being brought to me!

Lessons I have learned.........Part 1

Wow........it has been awhile since I took the time to write.  It feels good to put thoughts to paper (even if it is cyber paper!)


Life has been crazy but I have the choice of falling for the crap and wallowing in it or going in a different, sometimes more difficult but fulfilling , path.  All choices...


It has always been a struggle for me to keep a pristine house.  It is not me.....it is my mother.  She is a great house keeper.  Everything is always put away.  I have tried......truly.  The last time my mother was here she commented on how I did not keep house.....I told her I keep house, just not like she does.  My lesson:  Hire a cleaning lady!  Angie is a keeper, and I don't have to stress about having a messy place.  I have been purging and I do have stuff to put away before she gets here.  I now keep the kitchen table clean all the time.  Mail is sorted daily and taken care of.  It feel freeing.  I do what feels like the easy stuff and I don't stress about it anymore.  Angie does a much better job than I did because all I did was resent having to do it!!


Eating well has always been a challenge for me.  I, for the most part, do a good job.  I am lucky that I love fresh fruits and veggies.  I struggle with portion control.  I need to stop being resentful of eating healthy.  It does not happen often but when those voices in my head (appropriately named DEVIL WOMAN) encourage me to eat something else, a little more, a smidge of this.....she does not have my well being.  She has all my negativity and insecurity.  My lesson:  Keep these times at a minimum.  When DW gets loud, I am learning more to tell her shut the hell up!  I am so worth everything I do for myself and I DO have my best interest at heart.  When they do happen, forgive it and move on.  I can't change what I just did but I can move forward in a better attitude and state of being.



Walking with my head up high is NOT something I do.  I am always looking at the ground like I don't want to make eye contact.  In my defense (just a little) I have no depth perception so I think of it as guiding myself.  I am practicing walking with my head held high, shoulders back, walking with purpose (even if it is just laps around the lab).  My lesson:  Walking with my head up I am not missing out on the beautiful scenery.  I am not missing seeing people smiling and laughing.  I am not missing so many things.  Just remember, no laughing if I trip because I did not see the crack in the sidewalk!  LOL!


Well, this is all I have for now.  There will be future installments of Lessons I have Learned!

Putting me first.....why is this such a challenge?

First, I cannot believe it has been almost a month since I have been here.  Life has been crazy busy.  I guess that is good......but I have not been taking as much time for me as I once did.  How did that wonderful habit go by the wayside?!


I am putting my health first.  I took a leap of faith for trying a new functional medicine doctor.  It sounded scary.....not an MD but an OD.  Is that like a voodoo doctor?  The answer honestly is no.  She is very thorough and we are making changes that I can feel some of the differences.  I asked for food sensitivity testing.  I am tired of belching after most meals. WHY?!  It is not an attractive habit!  Who wants to be out on a date and suddenly hear BRRRAPPPP....(even when you cover your mouth and excuse yourself!)


I am now gluten, grain, dairy free, avoiding most nuts, apples, lettuce, tomatoes, celery, oysters, EGGS.....these were all things I showed sensitivity to.  They are not gone forever, but will not be daily staples any more.  I am almost half way through the healing/detox......45 days down, 45 days to go.


I also have not been taking the time to exercise like I want to.  I feel tired all the time.  WHY??  Because I am not moving.  Why is it an oxymoron?  We need to move to get more oxygen which increases our energy.  Why have I been slacking?  I don't feel like it!  Why?  Dig deep......well some of it is frustration, some of it is depression, some of it is lazy.  Looking at each of these, what can I modify?  Actually all 3.

First, I remind myself I am not perfect.  I am not meant to be perfect.  I can do the best I can at any given moment.....and as long as I don't give up on me all is good with the world!  Let's say that again.....AS LONG AS I DON'T GIVE UP ON ME.  Where does that come from?  That ugly voice in our head.



I personally have named that voice so I have someone to yell at.  She does not have control.  She never will as long as I put her in her place.  So this witch is encouraging me to slack and sometimes I listen.  More often than I like to admit.  We had a chat that I am in charge.  I have struggled with the fact that most of my life I have had particular exercises that I enjoy.  I keep going back to the fact that it is more difficult to do them since ankle surgery.  WHY do I let her defeat me?  There is more to life than Jazzercise.  There is more to life than boring walks.  There is more to exercise too.  She was put in her place this week.  I put me first.  I have a timer set at my desk to prompt me to get up and walk every hour for 5 minutes to break up the monotony of work.  In the morning I have been trying to get the dog out early to do a quick jaunt through the complex.  I got up and went to the gym......I hated getting up but once I got there and put my tunes on I forgot about the hate and had a good time.  I put me first!

At work, we have been busy.  I have a lot of responsibility but that does not mean I should get lost in the fray.  I am eating regularly and not ignoring my need for water and food because I am working on a project.  I prepare on the weekend for food.  I have found with my eating restrictions, life is much easier having go to foods ready.  I am enjoying them.  I LOVE the energy I have.  I put me first!

It does not always work out that way though.  I am sort of in a newer relationship.  He is on the road....not in the continental US either.  There is a big time difference.  I am not patient.  He is very patient.  This is one place I am not so good about putting me first.  I have been taking baby steps at it.  Distance is hard.  When he was in Alaska, we talked all the time.  He called, I called.  He sent texts, I sent texts.  We skyped.  When he was in London we still talked all the time.  He called, I called.  Texting was more expensive but when you can pick up the phone it was not a big deal.  He has been in China for a few weeks.  For whatever reason, he did not activate his international calling.  He was actually only supposed to be there less than a week.  It made sense.  We correspond through yahoo messenger.  It is not as good.  Internet sucks, his computer crashed, internet sucks.  Sometimes his headset cuts out so I can't hear him.  I am frustrated and I am not verbalizing it.  I am NOT putting me first.......not until the other day.  I talked briefly of my expectations.  Chatting daily should NOT be a big deal.  I am not asking for much yet.  WAIT UNTIL HE GETS HOME!  He will be surprised what my expectations are AND I will be #1 again.  Not in a bad way but how many times have we hear if mama ain't happy, no body is happy.  I am mama....right now I am not happy and I am not making me a priority.  It is something I am working through.

I have always been an enabler or caregiver.  It is time to turn that inward and be a caregiver to myself....and enabler to myself to achieve all my dreams.  Without dreams, what do we have to work towards?

Change is good

I took a leap of faith and made an appointment with a Functional Medicine doctor.  I am tired of belching all the time when I eat.  This is not normal......not for anyone.  I went on my insurance company website and did the search.

Why did I choose this moment in time?  I had a couple of friends have similar testing done and they seemed to be satisfied with the information and results.  I had a nice consult with the doctor and we decided to do some food sensitivity testing along with a regular blood panel.  It has always been my intention NOT to walk down the road my parents have with health issues and to this point, thanking God, I had been successful.

It is amazing what movement does for a body.  For the last 18 months I have not been exercising like I once did.  I wonder why my cholesterol, glucose and other markers were always in a good place.  Besides watching my food quality, I WAS MOVING.  I enjoyed exercise.  It felt good, I felt good.

Coming back into the present....my numbers were not what I had hoped they would be.  Although most of the numbers are still in the normal range, they are higher than they have been in a long time.  Thinking back, I did not see a doctor regularly before I started losing weight so I have no idea how bad the numbers used to be.  Ignorance is NOT bliss and I used to keep my head buried in the sand.  As long as I felt ok, everything must be ok, right?

My glucose number showed that I could be pre-diabetic.  That scares me A LOT.  I will do everything in my power to avoid that scenario.  So movement is high on my list of priorities....even if it is walking the dog or taking laps in the office.  I even got out a couple of days last week to walk the loop around the office....it is about 1 mile.  It was hard the first time ....but the first time back in the groove of anything is hard.

My cholesterol is still normal but again jumped 30 points.  My eating has not changed so what is the scoop there?  EXERCISE.  Damn how exercise will kick you in the ass.   I guess getting to the gym and riding the bike is in my future too!  I have such grand ideas and I have been letting that little voice in my head tell me that I need sleep.  My sleeping patter has been slightly off but not enough to not get to the gym.  I am recommitting to Jazzercise 2 days per week, 2 days at the gym ....and if I miss the gym I have to do the mile loop at the office.  I refuse to go on medication.

On to the food sensitivities......OMG, the list is long!  Right now, trying to avoid the highlighted foods on the list, my breakfast foods have been in complete turmoil.  No eggs, no oatmeal, no bread, no grain.  Suggestion of avoiding starches because of the glucose situation.....grrrr.

Today I see the dietician.  I will get better clarification as to what I am working towards.  Breakfast has been combinations of lunches and dinners.  No pasta, no potato, lots of steamed or sautéed veggies.  Different proteins, trying different seasoning combinations.  I am hoping for an option of making a protein shake for a breakfast option.  I never thought I would be the person saying that some sausage, yellow beans and a nice mango salsa was boring for breakfast.....I want EGGS!!

Because I am dealing with sensitivities, these foods can be reintroduced.  That is hopeful.  It is all timing.  But as my friends know, I am not a patient person.  Lessons I keep learning........

Funny things is, if I remember to take my digestive enzymes, I have not been belching except for the turmeric in the inflammation shake (yes, turmeric is on my 'hit' list!)  Progress is a good thing!!

Listening.......

Listening is an art.  Some days I feel it is a lost art.....I am just as much at fault.

We listen to people when they talk.....or do we? Are we looking to guess what they are going to say next or really, REALLY listen to them and their thoughts?  We can guess what is going on inside them but unless we listen do we learn. We can only help by being present when they speak.  We also need to be present when WE speak.  Our friends can't listen or help (if that is what you are asking for) if we can't open up and tell them what is happening.

Being in the moment is so crucial.  We spend time in the past and dream of the future.....and we lose one of the best things ever.....THE PRESENT.  What a gift it is!

Listening to people is not the only thing......we need to listen to ourselves.  Reflection is HUGE.  What are we looking to achieve?  What do I want right now?  I don't mean food (at least not yet) but in reality, where are you pointing your compass?

There is listening to our bodies too.  Our body is such a smart cookie......ok, smart entity.  She can tell us when we are hungry and thirsty; she will tell us when she wants to exercise (ignore the voices in your head!) and she will surely tell us when to rest!  Listen to your body and it will guide you to the foods you need for nutrition and health.  Ok, sometimes she will say she wants chips...but in moderation there is no harm.

There is listening to a greater being too.  I love listening to the choir at church; listening to the readings of the week and contemplating how it fits in to my life.  It might not fit today, but I know someday it will.....it always does.  God has such a way of bringing us what we need when we need it.  Listening makes it happen.  One of my favorite poems is Footprints in the Sand....

How wonderful is the thought that I am never left alone.  When I feel at my lowest, someone has picked me up to bring me through the storm to the other side!

I sat in reflection this morning.....wondering what my day would be like.  Would I want to pull out my baseball bat and start swinging or could I calmly take care of business.  Would I be patient today?  Would I help others get what they need in the moment?

Today I realized I am not listening to myself enough.  My body tells me she wants to move and I let the voices in my head over rule me.  That will stop today (reflecting on past post.....not being one of the Buts....).  I did listen to my body when I packed a lunch today.  There is some fresh fruit, avocado, oatmeal....good things that my body enjoys and uses well.  I have been taking laps around the office for movement and am drinking lots of water.  I actually heard my body say thank you!!

I will continue to listen to me, listen to my friends and really be in the present.

Maybe I will even sit down with one of my favorite movies, Breakfast at Tiffany's, and listen to Andy Williams serenade me.  There is so much world to see and I hope I get to do more of that....being in the present!

((hugs)) to all.....

Don't be one of the 'BUT' people

I am Catholic and it is Lent.  Yesterday during Mass, they had a priest in to encourage us to do one of the Missions the church was sponsoring.  It is looking at the sacraments and how they enrich and make our every day life what it is.

Every Catholic knows the sacraments are:

Baptism
Reconciliation/Penance
Communion
Confirmation
Marriage
Holy orders
Anointing of the sick

I have experienced some of these and I know how they affect my life....but Father Mark yesterday had everyone using his tag line.  It went something like:

'God sent me to tell you to come tonight, tomorrow night and Tuesday night; starts at 7 and will last about an hour (make it an hour and a half) and you will have fun'.  It was more the come for a little more than an hour (make it an hour and a half) that everyone was using on their way out.  He had his audience......we listened.  He talked about those who would say 'do you know how busy I am?'.......well God knows.  If you can't come....don't.  He talked about those who wanted to come BUT....what is your but?

Last night I was sitting with a friend who came home from the rehab center.  I was helping her get settled.  Her cat would not come out from hiding; I helped her sister put her bed to a height she could get in and out of while she is still in her boot; we did some laundry and after he sister left we just chatted.  It was so good to see her home.

Tonight, my but is my stomach is in knots.  There were lots of things going on at work and I just let it all get to me.  That is my fault.  I cannot fix everything but fell back into an old pattern of  trying to.  What did it get me?  An upset stomach and a headache.  Could I work past this and have gone tonight?  I am sure if I really was motivated I could have.  What was I afraid of?  Feeling silly about talking of our sacraments and the religion I am embracing and enjoy?

I don't always feel so smart.  I know my basics but become intimidated when others start going really deep.  It is not that I am not interested, I just have not gone deep into meaning and full practice.  It is something that I am working on.

This brought up all other feelings about when we say BUT.  BUT (in my mind) means there is some fear.  What am I trying to avoid?  Can I find a reason not to do something?  Why do I need to find a reason?  Who really cares if I am there or not?  I guess the answer is me.

I play the same game (more recently) with whether I should exercise or not.  I have been cleared....BUT my foot hurts.  Yea, so?  Put my big girl panties on and just do it.  What the hell is going to change if I ignore it?  NOTHING.  Do I want to see change?  YES.  I want to be more active; I want to get strong again; I want my old life back....well the active part of it.

Tomorrow is the last in the 3 day series.  I plan not to use BUT as my excuse.  I want to hear Father Mark engage me in whatever sacraments are left to talk about....and I will stop using BUT in my sentences.  Either I want to do it or not.  NO BUTS.  Make a choice and live with it....and if I regret the decision, change it next time.

We are exactly where we are supposed to be.  We are with the people we are supposed to be.  If we want change we have to invite it in and manifest it.  It won't happen because we dream of it.  We have to be a willing participant.

I will strive to no longer be one of the BUT people........care to join me?!

Writers block?!

I am sitting here on a Sunday afternoon.  Laundry is going, sheets have been changed.  Knock going to church off the list too.  It was an awesome Mass.  We had the Little Sisters of the Poor to ask for donations.  Sister got up to tell a story and explain how their group work with the elderly.  They give them a place to stay, food to eat, keep them well and if nobody comes forward when they pass, they give them a nice burial.

As we all know, we women kill off our men......plain and simple there are more elderly women than men.  One day they realized this in their new home that was built and renovated.....so the nuns started praying for men!!  Now how funny is that?!

Well, I guess it is funny that nuns were doing it, but I have been tired of being alone.  My life is great...no doubt about it but I would LOVE to share it with someone.  So I looked to see who the patron saints of the single people were.  At the top of the list was Blessed Virgin Mary......well why not?  She has God's ear!!  There were a few others too, but I figured if I have to ask for help, besides going to the Big Guy, I would have a chat with his mother too!

To clarify, I am not asking her for a specific man.  I am asking for a man that has a faith like mine; that he is hard working; he will cherish me as I will him; looking for a man that will not mind going to church with me on Sunday while I sing in the choir.  I am also looking for the man that will not mind that I take care of him equally; support and love him; lift him up and walk with him on his journey.......to make it our journey.  So I have not prayed for George Clooney or any other hunk of the week!

At the same time I had reopened a dating profile I had from a long time ago.  I updated my story and pictures and peeked around.  Most of what they were matching me up with was not what I was looking for.  They were too old (and a few too young); most appeared to be unemployed or at least underemployed when I looked at their salaries posting.  I understand that can be a lie but if they lie about that in the profile, what else is fabricated?  Most were separated.......seriously?  In my mind that is a license to cheat and I can't deal with that.  So it used the delete button frequently......more than frequently.....ALL THE TIME!

Then I had received a wink and an email from a gentleman who told me he was on only for the free weekend.  He gave me his email address and asked me to reach out to him.  He is a cutie....and my first thought was why did he pick me, but that was quickly put to rest.  I sat on the email for the better part of a week.  I really was not sure.........now I was continuing my prayers.  On my way to work, on my way home from work, in the shower, and before bed.  Then it hit me, was this part of the answer to the prayers?  So I wrote to him.

Here is where my paranoia kicks in!  I thought I would be smart and set up a new email address to fly under the radar and give only the information I wanted to give.....well, I forgot that gmail shows your full name!  I went through all that effort to be thwarted by an email service!!  Even funnier, when I asked the gent if I had given him my last name, he said "um, yes.  You emailed me!"

I have been journaling about the things I have been worrying about.  I have no idea if this guy will do or say any of the things that have been poor in the past AND I cannot sit here an wait for that stuff to happen.  If I choose to manifest those poor qualities, that is what I will get.  I don't want a repeat of the past......

This gentleman has surprised me with his eloquent writing style, he has dazzled me with his knowledge.  He has blown me away with his good looks, and he is trying to win my heart.  It is hard working through the online dating crap.  He did not understand why I was surprised that he looked like his picture (we have video chatted while he is out of town on business).....I need to let go of the past junk.  I need to let go of the past junk.  I NEED TO LET GO OF THE PAST JUNK.

I am quietly optimistic that he is the real deal.  I don't feel the need to know what he is doing every moment because he is a very busy guy (again....leave the crap in the past).  He has woken me up with a text message (which really surprised me as he is 3 hours earlier than I am right now), he has video chatted with me, called me on the phone.  He has given me is bio (before I did....I was holding back) and has been very open about who he is.  No secrets.  I ask a question and he answers it.  WOW.

I am still holding my breath a little until we formally meet sometime after next Saturday.  That is when his contract ends and he comes back home to IL.  When I went to church today I asked the Blessed Mother for a sign that he is the one.....or at least the leading contender.  I thanked her and God for listening to my prayers.  I thanked them for guiding me and taking care of me.  I showed my thanks and gratitude by singing particularly well in the choir loft as we had a number of people out sick.  When I got to my car after Mass there was a very lovely text message waiting for me.....maybe it is my sign!

As things move along I will give you all a peek as to what is going on but right now I am thankful and grateful for all that has been presented to me.  Now I need to now how to handle it and nurture it.