Read that again.......and again. Each relationship we have, be it with people, our bodies, or ourselves is a new chapter. Let me say this MIGHT be a long blog......I have a lot to say.
It has taken me some time to get here to write. Life has been busy and I have not made my release a priority. I find that when I write, journal, or have another release of sorts for all the voices in my head I am in a much better place.
As I signed into the blog today, I was thinking how I used to be out there.....REALLY out there. I had been looking at pictures of Lady Gaga and some of her understated attire and it followed with some of her more outrageous items! It made me smile! I used to be like that........really out there. I liked my body....it was not perfect by any means but I liked it. I like the way my breasts were presented in lingerie. The girls sat up high where they belong. I had curves......not all of them in the right places but I had curves. I enjoyed the attention I got from gentlemen (and yes, I really mean gentlemen). I was on the top of the world.
Today I wonder why that changed. I have thought about it. Some of it came from putting on a few more pounds. Some of it came from attention I got from NOT gentlemen. Cat calls of being fat hurt. I heard it long enough that I started to believe it. When I did not turn heads anymore I did not know who I was. How sad is that? I did not wear as much make up, did not dress out there.....I started to dress frumpy for lack of a better term. If I was not going to get good attention I did not want any. I wanted to hide.
Can I blame my unhappiness on my surroundings? Maybe. I don't know. I loved dressing up. I loved showing off my assets. My whole life I remember being told 'if you have it, flaunt it'. In high school, the basketball coach would joke for me to get gussied up and go to the athletic director to ask for a NICE bus for our trip! I remember dressing in pretty flowing blouses with gentle ruffles that would show off my cleavage. Pairing that with a beautiful sewn down pleated skirt and low heels....I was in heaven. I loved wearing flowing dresses, pretty skirts with soft cashmere sweaters that hugged me in all the right places.
I lost my mojo with men. I guess I identified myself and self worth by the number of guys I attracted. I would go out dancing and I could stop them in their tracks. I was never at a loss for a partner when we went out to the clubs dancing. I remember one night after bowling we went into the lounge area to dance.......I was flirting with a guy and he almost dropped his beer! Now, he should not have been near the dance floor with his beer but it was nice that an attractive gent wanted to dance with me.
As I write this I recall times where I tried newspaper ads for dating (before the internet and social media were around). I got the most bizarre responses. 80% or better were from men in jail (I guess they did not have much else to do besides read the paper!) asking me to wait for them until they got out of jail. HA!! There were kids (I was already 30+) barely 21 answering me and then at the other end of the spectrum, men in their 40s and older. Men who loved coffee enemas (I am not sure why that particular man stuck in my brain.....maybe because he sent me the 'recipe' (YIKES!) There was another guy who looked like a model and had everything in the world except a lady. When I sent a picture to him, he was rude. He told me there was no way he could ever like or love a FAT PERSON. Maybe this was the start of scammers.....who knows. It hurt for a long time. The next great love of my life was killed in a car accident and I stopped searching for love. My cup was empty.
Fast forward a whole bunch of years later and I got the courage to check out online dating. I met a few people, was stood up a few time, and left standing in a bookstore. This did nothing for my ego. I know I am a good and pretty person.......why can't they see that? I have been lied to, scammed (not to the point of losing money but lost time, hope, confidence).....I am not sure there are single guys anymore or had I fallen out of love with me, the frumpy girl, the girl who lost her zest for style and fun, the girl who was not putting herself out there.
I am working on my confidence with myself right now. I am buying the pretty dresses, I am doing my make up more. I found a delicious new scent that I wear all the time and get compliments on (Angel by Thierry Mugler). I am wearing my hair longer and taking the time to curl and style it. I feel pretty again. I am not listening to ALL the voices in my head.......listening to them less and less. I am moving my body in ways that are comfortable and finding slow, consistent changes. Some strength is coming back and seeing the changes that encourage me to do more. I am enjoying my simple successes and using them as building blocks.
Paying for website dating or other types of dating have not scored much success. Beware of It's Just Lunch......take this as a PSA.....DO NOT DO IT!! I did a bunch of research and it is not worth it! I am out there having fun with friends.....maybe when I am out doing things with friends I will bump into some nice......and this time, people I meet WILL NOT be how I value who I am. I am good enough, smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me......and I am falling in love with myself again.
LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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