Fearful or self preservation? I am not sure.....

As I reflect on my words for the year (FEARLESS and ENOUGH) I have had thoughts about my dating life, or the lack thereof.


Let me say that I truly believe we are exactly where we are supposed to be; we are put here in this place due to choices and circumstances.  I also believe that if something bothers us, we need to identify the THING (person included) and do forgiveness work.  In general I don't believe people intend to be mean or hurtful; it is how WE react to their words and actions.  It it all about them in their moment.  So where am I going with this you wonder........me too!


I have had some flashes of bad relationships and how hurt or used I felt.  There have been a few guys that have been jerks.  They all wanted something I had.  I know I wanted something from them......I was looking for my soul mate, my Mr. Right for me.  I was wanting, and still do want, to find someone to spend time with, who understands me and likes me with all my flaws.


In reflection, these guys I gravitated to all had their flaws too; I was determined to fix them; give them what they were needing so  they would need me back.  It might start out all well and good.  They get something and I got something in return.  I was needed and they SAID they loved me.  Did their actions show this, ABSOLUTELY not.  In the moment did I see it or recognize it?  ABSOLUTELY NOT.


I have tried the long distance relationship; that was hard.  That one hurt the most.  He took everything I had to give......knowledge, love, things. skills.  I got phone calls and the occasional visit.  The visits were occasional enough to keep me wanting more and not kicking him to the curb.  He was also not the sharpest tool in the shed.  When I had doubts about him and his sincerity I checked his email.  YES I was desperate enough to go to his email and see what he was sending and what he was getting back.  The dumb schmuck forgot I had all his passwords to help with his business.  At that point I was getting tired of doing work for nothing in return; prior I would get visits, phone calls, etc..  This had all slowed down to almost nothing unless there was a job involved.  I confronted him about what I saw and he had the audacity to tell me I was wrong.  Never once did he get mad I went into the email account.  I guess that was the back woods hick in him.  Yes this hurt to walk away but I knew in my heart that he was not vested in US any more.  All I was to him was a mule to get work done for him........he lost that lovin' feeling!  That or there was a prettier mule closer to home!  LOL


There have been others that have popped in and out of my life since.  I will honestly say that dating websites have progressively gone downhill.  I have been phished so many times I have deleted all my profiles, or so I thought.  I have been getting daily emails from eHarmony.  In their TV ads they state that they use all these matching processes to make sure you are finding your one true love.  Then why was I receiving contact from clients of theirs that had multiple accounts?  Same picture, different name, different city?  I asked that question and I was told (and it is also stated in the profiles) that eHarmony does not do background checks on any of their clients.  How are we to be sure we are not being scammed?


What brought about this blog today?  I received several calls from a group I checked into called It's Just Lunch.  It sounded like a fun thing to try.  This service has relationships with various restaurants and they match you with someone and you have lunch with the intention of meeting your person you can't live without.  It sounded great until I started asking about pricing.  They had the deal of the day...$3500 for 6 months.  I almost choked on it!!  I think I could hire a matchmaker cheaper!!  I begged off and told them I was not interested, the price was too high....oh and that I had done some research and their reviews were not glowing.  As a matter of fact, their reviews were in the toilet.  I was told to run the other way as fast as I could!!  People were getting 1 date that did not match anything they were looking for and then just before it was time to renew the subscription, there would be a flurry of activity under the guise that they were so close to finding your prefect match!


We won't even talk about the married men that have hit on my regularly.  Tell me folks, are heavy set, older ladies marked as someone who is desperate to have a boyfriend?  I don't need to have a physical relationship that bad........that what BOB is for if I am in that much of a need!


I have spent time journalizing all this stuff, writing letters to these less than kind gentlemen and burning them with the symbolism of letting it go.  I will take the extra time to put them in the 'junk' email folder and not think about it.


I am trying every day to live a little fearless......doing things that I have shied away from in the past.  I am sure I will meet someone, I know he is out there waiting for me.  I hope I am not old and feeble when we meet but I know it will happen.  That being said, all you website folks.......I am complete as I am.  My value and life  are not more or less if I don't have a significant other.  When I meet this guy he will enhance what I have not fill a void.  I am whole just as I am.  I am good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it.......PEOPLE LIKE ME!