Bye Bye Negative Nellie

I never really thought about how negativity can be dead weight and drag so hard on a person.  In the last months I have been dealing with food sensitivities and other dietary challenges.  The only word I kept seeing was CAN'T and DON'T.  Don't eat this and I can't eat that.

I don't live like this.  I have always been the glass half full girl......not this !


I have taken stock of who I am at this moment and where I want to go.  There are so many things to be thankful and grateful for.  I have a wonderful life, family, job that I love.  I have friends and laughter.  I need to brighten the light a bit.


Simple things are in my future......I actually want to take measurements of myself so I know where I am.  I also know this body is mine to love.  If I am not liking what I see I can complain or do something about it. These bodies of ours are a shell that holds our heart, soul, and love.  We can choose to be kind and gentle, take care of it......or we can ignore it and let it fall apart.  I choose the former.  I CAN dress my best, I CAN go for a walk to move it.  I CAN choose to nurture it with love and spirituality. I CAN look my best (at any given moment), I CAN smile and bring the light back to me......remember what we give we get back 10 fold.  I ought to remember that when I want to get mad at people!  YIKES!


My gratitude journal is going to be more important to me too.  I think writing will help me express myself better and give me an outlet to get stuff out.  If it does not get out it can eat me alive......and that is not the goal.  I am craving peace and happiness.


I have spoken in detail with my nutritionist and what I was feeling and how I was floundering.  I did have some cleansing tears.  I needed it......truly.  I have been feeling like a bundle of nerves not knowing which end was up.  I was allowing my perfectionist personality take over.....and from there confusion set in.  What rules do I follow?  What direction is right?


In the end, all the answers are inside of me.  Deep breaths and listening, calming.  Surrounding myself with my own love and peace.  Spending time in the Adoration chapel at church will help me center myself some days.  I need to remember I am enough.


ONE last thing....I have chosen a couple of works for the year.  My first word is FREEDOM.  Freedom from the chains that bind me to past pain, the chains that I perceive.  Freedom from sabotaging myself.  Freedom from the words CAN'T and DON'T.  My other word is LOVE.  I want to fall in love with myself again.  I am a pretty terrific person and until I get that to shine through I can't ask anyone else to love me...because I will not be looking for it.


This is the start.....there might be opportunities to chat with professionals to get a clearer picture of what I desire.  It all begins with me.......oooh, and maybe a vision board to show where I want to to be in the various aspects of my life.  Something to look forward to....along with intentions to guide me along the way.

Happy new year.......much love and happiness to everyone.  2017 will be one rocking year!

V I C T O R Y !!!

Any day I feel like I did a good job with my eating plan is a victory.  Trying different things and expanding my horizons is a victory.  Getting up in the morning is a victory too!

I have talked before about my current dietary challenges trying to heal/flush the candida and leaky gut I have going on.  It is getting easier, truly it is.  If I had to say I have stumbling blocks it would be with NUTS.  I have tried to put 1 oz of nuts in a baggie......and as I say that I have the big bag of cashews on my bed while I watch my beloved CUBS playing.  I had lunch earlier.  It was not as 'big' as it should have been loaded with steamed veggies.  Instead I had a small chicken thigh, some raspberries and a glass of water........no veg as I have not made my trek to the grocery store.  About 90 minutes later I was 'hungry' so I took a handful of nuts....and then a couple more.  I was already satisfied with the first bit of the snack....it was a bit of mindless (instead of mindful) eating.  I filled my glass of ice water back up while I busied myself with swapping out fall clothes.

In the past, this would NOT have been a victory for me.  I would have had a verbal knock out fight with myself for being less than perfect.  I am learning that perfection is overrated!  Why am I counting this is as a VICTORY?  Because I feel it.  I did not eat the whole bag; I did not beat myself up about not fixing the best meal I could have; I found other things to occupy myself to not think about food or more nuts.  My closet can be called a walk in again!  My CUBS are playing!  I am drinking water and loving the crispness of it all......no thoughts for coffee or any other type of beverage.

I have had other victories lately that really made me smile.  I was going to the ball game a couple of weeks ago with some friends.  I forgot I had entered a contest for a 'social media party'.  The day before the game I received an email telling me I had won and what the schedule was, etc.  I was really excited!  I then remembered we were all taking the bus down to the game....could I ditch them?!  I reached out to the girls and told them......and they were like 'are you NUTS?  GO GO...and have lots of fun we will find you when we get down there!'.  I was nervous.....I cleared my calendar at the office to leave at noon to take the train down to the city.  Friends suggested I try UBER to get to the park, which I did.  I guess it was a victory that I made the driver take me to my final destination as he tried to drop me off about 4 miles away from the park!  He put in the wrong address....YIKES!

I wandered around the park alone......which I have really not done much of.  I looked in the shops, wandered around, and then found my spot to  get into the party.  I left with a number of shirts from the promo!  I stood with other winners and then it was time to head to the party!  The Jack Daniel's party deck was our destination.  We start walking and I suddenly realize IT IS AT THE TOP OF THE PARK!!  I am terrified of heights......like sweats and shakes!  On the way up (thank god for ramps) I was surrounded by others so I could not see over the edge.  The team I was on was by the one side....I hear the view was phenomenal!  I got to the picnic table and sat down.  Deep breath.  I don't know what the CUBS call a social media party (no beverages......not even water, not even a peanut was served!).  We had a good time and now I needed to make my way down to my seats...by myself.

Well, I found the exit, got to the railing  (felt like I crawled there!) and slowly made my way down.  Having to look out after every other ramp was scary but I kept breathing, kept walking, giving myself a pep talk the whole time.  I DID IT!  I got down to the main level and found our seats.  ALL BY MYSELF!  VICTORY!!

I have been facing demons and not letting them get the best of me.  In the past, overeating would have started a whole downward spiral for at least a full day.  Now, more often than not, I brush it off, write it down and know that the next opportunity will be better.  I faced my fear of heights for a great chance at a fun party at the ball park!  I am accepting my dietary challenges and playing with cooking more.

I am a work in process.  Last week I let the scale get to me and set me in a tailspin.......it is over but it did not feel good.  Maybe it was a victory as I realized it, owned it and moved on.


Chevre and veggies

A new favorite lunch for me has been goat cheese and steamed veggies.  I make heat up steamed veggies and crumble 1 serving (about 2 oz) of cheese on top.  Let the cheese melt and eat! Good for you veggies keep you full and the cheese is enough protein to keep you from looking for additional food.

Check out your local stores and ask about goat cheese!  You might be surprised!

Until next time    xxoo

There is life after a blood panel......

A few weeks ago I made a call to my doc.  I had not done blood work in a long while and thought it was about time.  We used to have regular "Know your Numbers" events at work with blood draw, blood pressure and any other marker you wanted to have checked out.  Since the Affordable Health Care Act (aka Obamacare) we cannot offer the program free.

I had been feeling a bit sluggish, not that different from the first time I saw my alternative medicine doctor.  I figured it was time to get my act back together and take it on the road.

I got the blood draw (which was a very unpleasant event......even being hydrated they could not stop my veins from rolling to get a good stab).  We chatted about my health goals, where I was, what I was willing to do, etc.  I even paid the big bucks to have the food sensitivities done again....I could tell something was different.

A few days go by and I got the call the results were in and we needed to have a chat.  Let me say I am amazed what can be told by a few vials of blood.

I guess I live in a state of dehydration.  I think I am drinking enough water...but enough for whom?  An ant?  A dog?  Definitely not a human being of my size!  Then we talked about the components of my blood.  Not enough D, zinc, magnesium....the list went on.  Sheesh....I thought I was eating clean. or at least cleaner.

THEN she lowered the boom.  DIET......what was I eating, how did I feel?  At the time did I know that my lack of energy was really from the food I was eating?  I ate plenty of veg....truly; what else was I eating?  The dreaded list of sensitivities came out and I shut down.  The list was LONG...or so it felt.  I think they test 150 items that must be standard offenders.  The list came down to:

NO EGGS
NO DAIRY (except for goat products)
Avoid most grains ESPECIALLY wheat and gluten
POSITIVE for candida!!!!

After that I think I stopped listening.  I was the queen of eggs.  My sensitivities are to both whites and yolks.  NO EGGS, no omelets, no hard boiled eggs, no egg salad, no fried eggs with baked sweet potato, no poached eggs, no stopping at McDonalds or Starbucks for a quick breakfast.  This was a big deal.  I know I got testy.....I pushed back....HARD.  I wanted to cry.  CRY over an EGG.

I got an exchange list of foods, what to have from each category......and after I learned things I had to eliminate for 90-120 days we got to add to the list to fix the candida.  As I understand it, Candida is an overgrowth of yeast in the gut.  It feeds on sugar...natural or otherwise as a simple explanation.  So besides the long list of sensitivities, I need to limit or remove fruit, fruit juices, grains, legumes, starchy veg, mushrooms (the fungi of the GODS), pistachios, peanuts, alcohol,.....sigh.

I made a second appointment with the nutritionist and took my information home and tried to process it all.  I was MAD.....so mad that I ate every bit of junk food that struck my fancy.  Ding Dongs, Devil Dogs, Yodels, ice cream.......and I felt like hell.  I cried, I pouted.  I looked longingly at the dozens of eggs I had in the house.  I loved making eggs with sweet potatoes, mushrooms, onions for breakfast.  I mourned.  I mourned the foods I enjoyed.

I had already done the Whole 30 so I had friends suggesting I try this recipe and that recipe........as I read each one I found ingredients that I needed to cut out for this time frame.  I pouted and cried again.

I had to put my big girl pants on.  This is only a temporary situation.  I could do anything for 90-120 days right?  I started making lists of foods I did enjoy.  How could I make combinations with them?  Am I excited I can only use apple cider vinegar?  Not particularly but it will do.  I had another visit with Kristen and we chatted.

I talked about my mourning of food.......and she told me it was all normal.  I was making a HUGE change but it was going to make me feel better.  She recommended using a shake the doc suggested to keep blood sugar stable.  Initially I pushed back on that and said I want to do it all with natural food!!  Yeah, that did not last too long.  Limiting fruit limited my snack choices that I had wrapped my head around.  I chipped away at the wall I had built up.

I am living within the parameters set on the plan!  Imagine that!  There is lots of veg going on; unfortunately not my lovely winter squashes, sweet potatoes, beets.....though Kristen did tell me if I could limit it to 1 small serving ......and NOT every day I could use them.  Once she said that, gave me permission to spread my wings I did not feel so bad.  Grains are still a good thing to avoid mainly because of the inflammation markers.  I know there are pastas out there made with legumes (starchy!) so I will keep that tucked in the back of my head for future use.  I can have hummus and be creative with it........I did find that chevre is not bad!  I let it melt on steamed veggies and it is a great protein.  Goat cheddar cheese is nice too......probably can't use it to make a grilled cheese but I don't need a grilled cheese..I needed to feel like I could have cheese and be satisfied.

I prepared for a girls night out at the Cubs game (GO CUBS) so I could have a dog while cheering on my boys of summer.  I prepared for other little things I want.

What did I learn that was reinforcement of what I already knew?  I am not mean to be perfect.  I am finding my way.  Tracking on my fitness pal is not an option right now.  I need to know I am getting all my exchanges in so I created a label with a notebook and am writing it down......wow...sounds like tracking!  There are WW leaders cheering and jumping around.......someone is keeping track of their food consumption and not pissing and moaning the whole way!

I still have a lot to learn or accept yet.  I am taking baby steps and making sure I am enjoying the journey.  If I can't like it and am miserable, I will fail.  I choose not to fail.  I choose to win.

I normally end each post with a recipe.  I did find one that I do enjoy that fits in my new lifestyle!!

Beef and Broccoli MY WAY!

1 lb lean beef cut into strips
1 large bag frozen broccoli
2 medium onions sliced
1 tsp chopped garlic
coconut aminos
coconut oil

Slice the onions, set a big skillet on the stove and let it get hot.  Put in a little coconut oil and toss the garlic in.  Stir it a minute or so and toss the onions in.  Cook them until they are soft.....they do not have to be caramelized.  Toss in beef and stir until cooked to your desired degree of pink.  As it is finishing up, toss in the frozen broccoli and a splash of coconut aminos (great substitute for soy sauce)  If you feel the need for rice, use cauliflower rice.  It is tasty just as it stands!

Until next time......xxoo

It's a coming to Jesus kind of day........

It feels like that kind of day today for many reasons.


I participate in a Weight Watchers @ work meeting.  I say I have been doing it to keep the number of participants up but I am not sure that is the whole truth.  I like the accountability.  I don't have a scale at home and like it like that.  I was the type of person who would step on it every time I walked by it.  I know, it was a sick addiction.  I am not sure where that even came from but one day I threw out the darned thing.  It was crazy!!


I do mind the foods I eat for the most part.  I enjoy what I eat.  Sometimes it is simple and other times super complex.  I try, every day at some point, to avoid processed foods.  I know the chemicals are not good for me; it does not always stop me!


Realizing that the meetings might be coming to an end, we had a reflective morning today.  What are we prepared to do if the numbers decline more?  How hard are we willing to fight?  As we talked I had thoughts of am I really doing this or am I giving it a lick and a prayer?  I decided it was more of the lick and prayer method.  I hate doing things half assed....I must have dug my head in the sand and pretended I was doing my best.  We all can tweak what we are doing to make it better......and that is the current plan.  I will continue to gravitate towards a plant based diet adding the protein I need.  Once upon a time I saw a comic that said the 'meat' of the meal should be the guest of the plate surrounded by the family of veggies.  That sticks in my head still today....now to put it in practice.


In a similar manner, I have been going to the gym doing cardio as prescribed by my former trainer.  I watch the clock like a hawk so I don't do 1 minute more than I have to.  That is sad......very sad.  The funny thing is my body has been craving to really challenge it........so why is the gym not the place for that?  I guess I want more than just cardio but don't know where to start.  I have sent a note to my former trainer asking for more than the cardio.  Once I show more consistency I will be paired up with a trainer so I have to stand on my 2 feet first......


So my coming to Jesus feeling today is that I am doing things a about 50% of the effort I should be putting forth.  If you don't hear from me soon it means I died exerting more effort!!

Decadent Grilled Cheese

Keeping with the coming to Jesus theme, during Lent this was a HUGE staple in our home.  We used the old fashioned land o lakes white american cheese (I had no idea there was yellow cheese until I moved to Iowa!).  Taking some cooking classes I have learned that Fontina or any softer cheese are very yummy!

2 slices of your favorite bread

2-3 slices of cheese.  (My new favorite is fontina but good old fashioned american cheese works)

butter

fry pan (or if you want to be fancy a grill pan)

Butter one side of each slice of bread.  Actually I do one slice and let the butter melt, take it out and butter the other slice and put that butter side down to allow the butter to melt.  Put the slices of cheese on the bread and then top it with the original slice, butter side up.  Let it sit in the pan over a medium heat, watching to make sure it does not burn but gets a great crust on it!  Flip it over and let it sit again until well toasted.  Slice in half and serve with your best tomato soup!!

Until next time..........xxoo

TV and the reality of it all

Let me start by saying my favorite reality TV is Dancing with the Stars......the rest of reality TV could go away and I might not miss it.  I miss the days of variety shows listening to banter, music and frivolity.......


That being said, a friend and I have gotten into the routine of Wednesday night reality TV watching and chatting during it.  We both have different takes on what we are seeing.


Until the season ended, we watched MY 600 lb Life.  It amazed me how people would transform.  I still wonder what brings them to the point that they say 'I can't be 700+ lbs any more'.  Some people seem to accept what they have to do and others fight it tooth and nail.  I don't think one of these shows has had a person take the process and run with it 100% but anything worth having is worth fighting for.


So that season ended and we wondered what we would watch next.  She found My Big Fat Fabulous Life.  This gal Whitney is out there.  I admit she has a great body image and does not allow her weight to get in her way, until it does.


If I remember correctly, she is a 30 something girl who now lives on her own,  In prior seasons she lived at home and her parents are supportive but also encourage her to get her weight under control.  She has created a group against body shaming; she has been to the doctor after an event sent her to the ER with a heart issue; she says she LOVES being fat.


There have been episodes where she has talked about being afraid of being diabetic and changed her eating a little and moved a little to get her A1C under control or at least in a non diabetic range.  She has PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which can lead to extreme weight gain and has tried to use that as a total excuse for her weight, but then in the next breath shows videos of her working out and being 150 lbs lighter (by a current episode she is maybe 375 lbs).


This is not a bash by any means, I appreciate that this girl does what she needs to do every day and does it proudly.  She tries not to allow anyone to to shame her because of her size.  Things that do bother me is that she drives like a loon.......feeding her mother's baby piglet as she drives, eating while she drives, ALWAYS on the phone and NOT hands free....and in my opinion not paying attention.  I guess with reality camera following you she has a barrier of getting into an accident!!

The last couple of episodes I have heard more and more people talk about how her weight is hurting her.  She threw her back out and was not mobile; she had the heart issue and had to go to the ER to understand how she is stressing her heart; her friends ALL comment about their concerns for her overall health.

Whitney is always saying how she loves being fat.  Fat does not need to mean obese.  I agree that her diagnosis might be a big player in her current situation but there are ways to fight.  My comment to Whitney is you don't have to be 140 lbs soaking wet.  If you want to shed weight to be healthier and kinder to your joints that would be wonderful.  If you want to be a mom someday your current weight might make that harder to achieve.  Whitney has a boyfriend she loves (next week there is some drama there), she has gone bike riding, she leads a dance troupe......she is active and proud of it. She recently started working on a radio station......she is full of life and living!

You are beautiful and brave..........time to be kinder to your heart, your joints, your body,.....YOU.



For an early morning post like this my recipe will be a breakfast treat growing up.  If you saw the movie Moonstruck, it was featured there.

Egg in a Hole

Ingredients:

Crusty Italian bread

Egg

butter

Heat a fry pan on the stove, place a pat of butter in the pan and coat the bottom of the pan.  Tear a hole in a slice of good, crusty Italian bread.  Put the bread in the pan and let it start to toast.  Crack the egg in the hole and let the egg cook.  Once it is set on one side, gently flip the toast over to let the other side cook to your desired doneness of the yummy yolk.

Serve with a delicious cup of coffee.......I take mine Boston  (look it up!)

Until next time..........xxoo

I can't save the world........but I can save myself

Today was a roller coaster day of emotions.  Being part of the Wellness Team in my office, I had to share the news that our Weight Watchers @ Work meeting might be coming to an end.  The writing has been on the wall for some time now.  Per the WW agreement, we need to have 8 paying members each week participating.  Lately we are barely making it AND I am in an office of 65 people.....58 are men.  Men don't have the same hang-ups about weight as women do; they are not emotional like women are.  I can feel the life oozing out of the group AND I CAN'T SAVE THE PROGRAM!  Waaaaahhhhhh....


I broke the news to the group today after one gent told me he had to quit and had his reasons; I respect the fact that he talked to me direct instead of making me find out when the monthly bill came in.  He is a young man with a new family.....a tough decision for him.  I explained to our group about our status and anticipating that there will be an email giving us x weeks to bring the numbers up or shut it down.


A survey was delivered to each employee asking what it would take for them to consider joining the program.  The survey also explained that WW is more than numbers, it tries to take into consideration the whole body, mind and soul.  The age range is from 21-68 and there are a number of people who could benefit from the program but that is a personal decision/choice.  As I saw people reading the email, I also got a few responses.  I heard another nail going in the coffin......another current member was quitting.  There had been some words weeks earlier and there was stress in the air.  The employee explained that he just could not do it any more.  He was one person who DID ME A FAVOR 3 years ago when we started the program.  I needed 10 active people, I begged him to join to let us have the group....and being the kind soul he is he did.  He has stuck with us for 3 years, no questions asked.


I started talking to the leader about his quitting and she was concerned she caused the break down.  I assured her it was not.  I felt like I am fighting to save the world......and it is not mine to save.  Again I realize that I am not Mother Freakin Teresa......and I can only support the program as long as others are willing to put forth the effort.


This was part of the ups and downs I had today.  So, you are reading with me and saying.....so why do you need saving?  I found myelf a few times today ready to be short with people, finding snacks to soothe my hurt.  I needed to ground myself, put my hand on my heart, take a few breaths and come back to the present.  I thought I had gotten there.


After I got home tonight, my knees were killing me.  The barometric pressure affects me so badly these days, I could hardly wobble.  I had dinner (a protein shake), watered the plants and found myself watching a rerun of a Cubs game....yes we lost again!  I had hoped the rerun would have a different outcome!  LOL.  After an hour or so I went to get a glass of ice water.  I saw a plate of penne with vodka sauce.....I stood there at the counter and started eating one piece, then another.  Before I knew it almost all of it was gone.  I was not hungry, I was following an old learned habit.  Eating alone has no calories.........


I threw out the rest of the pasta.  I wandered back up to my cave.........disappointed in myself and feeling cruddy from eating what I did not need or want.  The worst part was I did not feel like I could stop myself.


I am trying to forgive myself, trying to accept that was one moment that I never have to repeat.  I am trying to save myself from a beating I really don't deserve.  I will make the next moment better.  I will forgive myself.  I will move on.  I can save ME through these techniques and many more I have in my arsenal.  I am worth it.  I AM WORTH SAVING........


I like to finish my blogs with a recipe!  Being I was trying to comfort myself today one of my GO TO dishes from Grandma Poissant was Tuna and Rice.

Tuna and Rice

Ingredients:

Rice

Tuna

Mayo

For this recipe, you can make it in small quantities.....I don't like to make big bowls of it......so maybe 

2 or 3 servings.

Make the rice according to directions.  Once it is done, fluff it up and let it start to cool.  Open a can of tuna (in water is best) and drain well.  Mix the tuna with about 1 cup of rice (or a little more...depends how hungry you are!).  Add mayo to taste.  I like my tuna and rice to not be loaded with mayo but a nice coating!

This always made me feel better when I stayed at Grandma's house.....and she always told me it was a DIET dish!

Until next time........xxoo

Being Mother Theresa or something like it........

I love Mother Teresa.  She has always intrigued me with her love for all, unconditional.  She did exactly what God had planned for her.  She was unassuming, grateful and full of service.


To that end I wish I could be more like her at times.....and other times I am not so sure.


In my life, I listen to people and if I hear I can fix something or help with something, I try to do it.  It is what I was taught by example and in Church.  I love my faith.....just in case you could not tell!  To that end, I tend to overextend myself and do too much.  Yes, I now believe, I cannot do everything.  I am not responsible for everything.  I cannot do it all......and lastly, the world will survive.


I met up with a friend recently and was talking (rather listening) to what she felt she needed to do in a new chapter of her life.  She looked at me and said, "I am doing what I need to do; I cannot be freakin' Mother Teresa!"  That left a HUGE exclamation point in my head.  And it made me think.......feeling like I had the world on my shoulders with commitments  to work, charity, and my own life.  I was feeling like I was running from one thing to another, being a savior!  In reality I was just wearing myself out.


Today I called the Relay for Life Corporate I 88 group and resigned my Chair position for the Survivor tent.  I felt the weight of the world fall off my shoulders.  I am still participating BUT I don't have to coordinate food, get people in the right places being left out of fun with my team.  I will play and walk with my team.  I am very excited about this!  We have a great time, a great team, and we will raise money is support of celebrating more birthdays.  And the world did not end........


I mentioned this last time but I needed to put closure to it ......I have been long affiliated with Jazzercise and have supported the o'dark hundred class.  I have been with these ladies in one manner or another for 21 years.  My cohort retired and a business decision was made not to have a class manager at that time slot,  The owner, who I greatly respect, assured me I will always have a place to dance when my foot and ankle are ready.  Let me step back a bit.....I have been getting up JUST to open the class and meet with my friends, I was not dancing.  I had a responsibility to the class, I committed to be there to help out.


I respect that the owner is making changes; that is what life is about.  Initially I did not have time to process this information......I had a sick dog, I had a friend in hospice, and my life was very busy.  I lost the friend and the dog and now had time to let the change sink in.  Let me first say that CHANGE IS HARD......I did not have to get up at 4:30 to support the class; I lost who I was again.  I was mad, sad, angry.....and once that all passed I found relief.  I did not have to get up early, I had an opportunity to go back to the gym and work on what felt good to my foot and my body AND my spirit.  I am getting something done, I am feeling stronger both mentally and physically.  This change was a kick in the pants I needed to move on.  I FEEL GOOD  and the world did not come to an end,  I am not trivializing the amount of change or the gratitude I have for the chance to get my body back in working order.  There was a whole lot more going on but I find that I found peace with the changes that came.  A greater power was telling me to take care of me and afforded me the opportunity without the guilt.


I am learning that I am a good cog in a wheel but I don't have to do it all AND I don't have to do it alone.  The world will not stop if I choose to slow down and take care of me.  I am equally important to all the others I support.


That being said, I want to share one of my fun comfort recipes.  It is a wonderful dessert to share over the warm summer celebrations:

Berry Trifle

1     angel food cake torn into pieces
6     cups mixed berries  (if fresh berries are used, sprinkle with sugar to make a juice)
2     containers fat free  or low fat lemon yogurt
1     8 oz container cool whip


Tear the cake and place it in a bowl or the container it came in.  Toss the fruit with the sugar unless you are using frozen fruit; if using frozen make sure it is completely thawed.  Mix the 2 containers of yogurt with about 6 oz of cool whip.

Take your pretty trifle bowl and place half the angel food cake on the bottom, drizzle half the yogurt mixture, and finally half the fruit; repeat the layer.  Take the last little bit of the cool whip and put a large dollop on the top with fresh mint leaves.  Let sit for 30 min or so, keeping it cool.

It is a very refreshing, light and easy dessert.  ENJOY!


Until next time.......

Coming back.....Stronger, ready for battle and have fun

I know it has been a long while since I sat down to write.  There have been lots of changes going on and it is time to sit down and talk about it....and talk about my direction.



Since the last blog I have experienced some loss.  I lost a dear friend to breast cancer after a 13 year battle, I lost another 20+ year friend to complications of hip replacement surgery, but the hardest of all was losing my fur baby of 8 months to lymphoma.  Lily was 8 years old, I rescued her from a puppy mill and she was such a doll!  She was my best buddy as I rescued her after I lost my other dog to congestive heart failure.  This was a complete surprise.......up until the end she was a happy puppy, eating and playing........until she one day she was not.  Once I got her to the vet and did some tests, found the cause of her illness, she crossed over the rainbow bridge on June 7th without her mama there to  tell her it was ok.  The vet called to tell me she was in respiratory distress and while I was making decisions SHE made the decision for me and passed.  It has been hard for me to let go of the fact that I was not there to tell her how much I loved her.  She knew.......it was more of the fact I NEEDED to kiss her one more time, to pet her and love on her so she knew that the last 8 months were the best of her life and she made mine so rich.


Moving on from there, I have for most of the last 20 years been involved with Jazzercise.  Due to an injury I have not been very active in it.  With other business decisions, the owner decided that the time slot I assisted no longer needed a staff person.  When I got the email I was mad, sad, angry.....I ran the gamut of emotions.  I was dealing with Lily's illness and this came across my desk.  Dammit I had been a part of this for a long time!  In all fairness, the instructor has assured me I have a place to dance when I am ready.  What has this given me?  Once I digested it all, took care of the dog, I decided to find me again.  When I talked to my former trainer I told her that over the last few years I had spent so much time taking care of sick dogs and my injury (mainly the dogs!) that I lost ME somewhere along the way.


It took a lot for me to call Helga (her nickname) and ask for her help.  Once I did that, there was a huge weight taken from my shoulders.  I did not feel bad about the jazzercise anymore, I felt relief.  I was not afraid to walk in the gym again and wonder what they thought........no one cares!  We are all there to get in and out to work on our fitness and health AND get the heck out in a reasonable amount of time.  I committed to creating some consistency before committing to a new trainer.  I have not hated walking in the door one time yet!  I have not tried to create distractions or excuses for not going.  My plan was to go in the morning but I have actually gone after work when I missed a morning without a second thought.  This is all new for me.


I also got a senior yoga series to try.  I need to increase my flexibility.  I got this version as I found the yogi very easy to follow and I could make modifications and not feel stupid.  Yes, the voices in my head get in my way at times but I am working on all of this.  I am a blob of clay waiting to be molded in a whole new way.......maintaining who the core of me is.  Maybe it is a spit shine of what is really under all the years of dust and neglect.


Going forward I hope to have guest writers........I might ask friends to pick a topic to share and write a bit and paste it in here.  I have some wonderful friends with varied interests.  It is all wonderful stuff to hear and if I love listening to them I hope you would love to read them too.


I would like to leave you with one recipe I have absolutely grown addicted to!!  It is a great side that can be eaten hot or cold.

Grilled Sweet Potatoes

*  sweet potatoes, sliced about an inch or so thick.  A nice sturdy round

*  grapeseed oil

*  salt and pepper to taste

*  HOT GRILL!

Take the potatoes and wash them well.  Slice them in thick rounds and rub with the grapeseed oil.  Sprinkle with salt and pepper.  You can put them on skewers length wise or just place them on a hot grill.  About 7 minutes or so per side.  You should see nice grill marks on the potatoes when you flip them.

Once they are off the grill, let them cool a moment before serving.  On the other hand, I have taken them out of the fridge and eaten them that way straight as a snack!  They are yummy with NO butter, brown sugar or other seasonings to make them tasty!

Until next time........xxoo

A wise friend once said........

.......just because the chapter might be a bad one does not mean the whole book is bad.


Read that again.......and again.  Each relationship we have, be it with people, our bodies, or ourselves is a new chapter.  Let me say this MIGHT be a long blog......I have a lot to say.


It has taken me some time to get here to write.  Life has been busy and I have not made my release a priority.  I find that when I write, journal, or have another release of sorts for all the voices in my head I am in a much better place.


As I signed into the blog today, I was thinking how I used to be out there.....REALLY out there.  I had been looking at pictures of Lady Gaga and some of her understated attire and it followed with some of her more outrageous items!  It made me smile!  I used to be like that........really out there.  I liked my body....it was not perfect by any means but I liked it.  I like the way my breasts were presented in lingerie.  The girls sat up high where they belong.  I had curves......not all of them in the right places but I had curves.  I enjoyed the attention I got from gentlemen (and yes, I really mean gentlemen).  I was on the top of the world.


Today I wonder why that changed.  I have thought about it.  Some of it came from putting on a few more pounds.  Some of it came from attention I got from NOT gentlemen.  Cat calls of being fat hurt.  I heard it long enough that I started to believe it.  When I did not turn heads anymore I did not know who I was.  How sad is that?  I did not wear as much make up, did not dress out there.....I started to dress frumpy for lack of a better term.  If I was not going to get good attention I did not want any.  I wanted to hide.


Can I blame my unhappiness on my surroundings?  Maybe.  I don't know.  I loved dressing up.  I loved showing off my assets.  My whole life I remember being told 'if you have it, flaunt it'.  In high school, the basketball coach would joke for me to get gussied up and go to the athletic director to ask for a NICE bus for our trip!  I remember dressing in pretty flowing blouses with gentle ruffles that would show off my cleavage.  Pairing that with a beautiful sewn down pleated skirt and low heels....I was in heaven.  I loved wearing flowing dresses, pretty skirts with soft cashmere sweaters that hugged me in all the right places.

WHAT CHANGED?!


I lost my mojo with men.  I guess I identified myself and self worth by the number of guys I attracted.  I would go out dancing and I could stop them in their tracks.  I was never at a loss for a partner when we went out to the clubs dancing.  I remember one night after bowling we went into the lounge area to dance.......I was flirting with a guy and he almost dropped his beer!  Now, he should not have been near the dance floor with his beer but it was nice that an attractive gent wanted to dance with me.


As I write this I recall times where I tried newspaper ads for dating (before the internet and social media were around).  I got the most bizarre responses.  80% or better were from men in jail (I guess they did not have much else to do besides read the paper!) asking me to wait for them until they got out of jail.  HA!!  There were kids (I was already 30+) barely 21 answering me and then at the other end of the spectrum, men in their 40s and older.  Men who loved coffee enemas (I am not sure why that particular man stuck in my brain.....maybe because he sent me the 'recipe' (YIKES!)  There was another guy who looked like a model and had everything in the world except a lady.  When I sent a picture to him, he was rude.  He told me there was no way he could ever like or love a FAT PERSON.  Maybe this was the start of scammers.....who knows.  It hurt for a long time.  The next great love of my life was killed in a car accident and I stopped searching for love.  My cup was empty.


Fast forward a whole bunch of years later and I got the courage to check out online dating.  I met a few people, was stood up a few time, and left standing in a bookstore.  This did nothing for my ego.  I know I am a good and pretty person.......why can't they see that?  I have been lied to, scammed (not to the point of losing money but lost time, hope, confidence).....I am not sure there are single guys anymore or had I fallen out of love with me, the frumpy girl, the girl who lost her zest for style and fun, the girl who was not putting herself out there.


I am working on my confidence with myself right now.  I am buying the pretty dresses, I am doing my make up more.  I found a delicious new scent that I wear all the time and get compliments on (Angel by Thierry Mugler).  I am wearing my hair longer and taking the time to curl and style it.  I feel pretty again.  I am not listening to ALL  the voices in my head.......listening to them less and less.  I am moving my body in ways that are comfortable and finding slow, consistent changes.  Some strength is coming back and seeing the changes that encourage me to do more.  I am enjoying my simple successes and using them as building blocks.


Paying for website dating or other types of dating have not scored much success.  Beware of It's Just Lunch......take this as a PSA.....DO NOT DO IT!!  I did a bunch of research and it is not worth it!  I am out there having fun with friends.....maybe when I am out doing things with friends I will bump into some nice......and this time, people I meet WILL NOT be how I value who I am.  I am good enough, smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me......and I am falling in love with myself again.

Write Your Biggest Regret......

Has anyone seen the video Ashton Kutcher made about regrets?  It is a video where a HUGE chalk board in put downtown New York City and has the header Write Your Biggest Regrets .  There are boxes of chalk....and it starts.


The first person writes something and other follow.  All kinds of things relating to education, dreams, desires, relationships.  It takes a few minutes to watch....and is very worth it.  Write your Biggest Regret


It was noted that ALL the responses started with the word NOT.  Some of mine would be:

Not ever dancing with my father
Not letting my uncle take me to the father daughter dance when my dad had to work
Not going to mother daughter events in high school
Not always being the daughter I should be to my mother
Not forgiving and letting go of crap that means nothing
Not taking care of me the same way I take care of others
Not doing more cooking classes where my passion lies
Not dancing more
Not
Not
Not........the list can go on.


Some of these cannot be changed.  My dad is gone so I never will dance with him.  I don't know that I had an opportunity but I do miss the fact that it did not happen.  My uncle, my godfather, is the dearest man ever and I promise that if the day comes that I get married HE WILL walk me down the aisle and ALL my living uncles will dance the father/daughter dance with me......dad will be with us in spirit.


Now, let's think about this.....why do we not do these things?  Many of mine are in fear; those ugly voices in our head.  We all know them as different people, HELGA, DEVIL WOMAN, SPITE....what ever you choose to name it.  It is absolutely to be fearful of taking a class on cooking!  What is the worst thing that will happen; I burn something and can't eat it?!  Big deal!


The more I think about this, it is having confidence in myself to pursue the adventure.  If we don't fail we will never learn from it to be able to grow and try something else!


At the end of the video (if you have not watched it yet SPOILER ALERT!), the chalkboard was wiped clean and simply put CLEAN SLATE.  Every day we have a clean slate to try again.  I believe, as long as we don't keep doing the same thing expecting different results, it is the healthiest thing we can do for ourself.  I have a clean slate to:

Be a better daughter, more forgiving, letting the past go
Take more cooking classes
Dance like crazy, take a belly dance class, a ballroom dancing class,
Take care of me like I am the precious person I am

I like it.......clean slate.......do over.....a new beginning every day!

Fearful or self preservation? I am not sure.....

As I reflect on my words for the year (FEARLESS and ENOUGH) I have had thoughts about my dating life, or the lack thereof.


Let me say that I truly believe we are exactly where we are supposed to be; we are put here in this place due to choices and circumstances.  I also believe that if something bothers us, we need to identify the THING (person included) and do forgiveness work.  In general I don't believe people intend to be mean or hurtful; it is how WE react to their words and actions.  It it all about them in their moment.  So where am I going with this you wonder........me too!


I have had some flashes of bad relationships and how hurt or used I felt.  There have been a few guys that have been jerks.  They all wanted something I had.  I know I wanted something from them......I was looking for my soul mate, my Mr. Right for me.  I was wanting, and still do want, to find someone to spend time with, who understands me and likes me with all my flaws.


In reflection, these guys I gravitated to all had their flaws too; I was determined to fix them; give them what they were needing so  they would need me back.  It might start out all well and good.  They get something and I got something in return.  I was needed and they SAID they loved me.  Did their actions show this, ABSOLUTELY not.  In the moment did I see it or recognize it?  ABSOLUTELY NOT.


I have tried the long distance relationship; that was hard.  That one hurt the most.  He took everything I had to give......knowledge, love, things. skills.  I got phone calls and the occasional visit.  The visits were occasional enough to keep me wanting more and not kicking him to the curb.  He was also not the sharpest tool in the shed.  When I had doubts about him and his sincerity I checked his email.  YES I was desperate enough to go to his email and see what he was sending and what he was getting back.  The dumb schmuck forgot I had all his passwords to help with his business.  At that point I was getting tired of doing work for nothing in return; prior I would get visits, phone calls, etc..  This had all slowed down to almost nothing unless there was a job involved.  I confronted him about what I saw and he had the audacity to tell me I was wrong.  Never once did he get mad I went into the email account.  I guess that was the back woods hick in him.  Yes this hurt to walk away but I knew in my heart that he was not vested in US any more.  All I was to him was a mule to get work done for him........he lost that lovin' feeling!  That or there was a prettier mule closer to home!  LOL


There have been others that have popped in and out of my life since.  I will honestly say that dating websites have progressively gone downhill.  I have been phished so many times I have deleted all my profiles, or so I thought.  I have been getting daily emails from eHarmony.  In their TV ads they state that they use all these matching processes to make sure you are finding your one true love.  Then why was I receiving contact from clients of theirs that had multiple accounts?  Same picture, different name, different city?  I asked that question and I was told (and it is also stated in the profiles) that eHarmony does not do background checks on any of their clients.  How are we to be sure we are not being scammed?


What brought about this blog today?  I received several calls from a group I checked into called It's Just Lunch.  It sounded like a fun thing to try.  This service has relationships with various restaurants and they match you with someone and you have lunch with the intention of meeting your person you can't live without.  It sounded great until I started asking about pricing.  They had the deal of the day...$3500 for 6 months.  I almost choked on it!!  I think I could hire a matchmaker cheaper!!  I begged off and told them I was not interested, the price was too high....oh and that I had done some research and their reviews were not glowing.  As a matter of fact, their reviews were in the toilet.  I was told to run the other way as fast as I could!!  People were getting 1 date that did not match anything they were looking for and then just before it was time to renew the subscription, there would be a flurry of activity under the guise that they were so close to finding your prefect match!


We won't even talk about the married men that have hit on my regularly.  Tell me folks, are heavy set, older ladies marked as someone who is desperate to have a boyfriend?  I don't need to have a physical relationship that bad........that what BOB is for if I am in that much of a need!


I have spent time journalizing all this stuff, writing letters to these less than kind gentlemen and burning them with the symbolism of letting it go.  I will take the extra time to put them in the 'junk' email folder and not think about it.


I am trying every day to live a little fearless......doing things that I have shied away from in the past.  I am sure I will meet someone, I know he is out there waiting for me.  I hope I am not old and feeble when we meet but I know it will happen.  That being said, all you website folks.......I am complete as I am.  My value and life  are not more or less if I don't have a significant other.  When I meet this guy he will enhance what I have not fill a void.  I am whole just as I am.  I am good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it.......PEOPLE LIKE ME!

Stuff......lots of it!

This new year has been full of cleansing rituals and purging of STUFF.  Nothing obscene or to throw up red flags on; plain old clean sweep.


Last weekend I spent the first day opening the pantry and realizing that I could not find anything I was looking for.  Not sure what I was looking for but there was so much crap in there I was beside myself.


I got the garbage can, opened the door and started tossing.  Looking at expiration dates was scary.  I had cans with an expiration of 2008......seriously??!  I know I have cleaned this out before.....maybe I read the date wrong but it was tossed.  I found items, tastefully simple and Two Sisters (the partylite food line) that had NO EXPIRATION dates.  That was really scary to me!  Were there that many preservatives in there that could keep this on the shelf indefinitely?!  YIKES!  One box after another, one jar after another, one can after another found their way into the garbage can.  When it was too full, the offending items sat on the floor.  I tried to lift the bag out of the garbage can.......nope, it was not happening.  I grabbed the box of garbage bags and started filling them to the point where I could carry them to the dumpster.  6, count 'em......6 bags were filled.  4 trips to the dumpster......and now I can see what is on the shelf.  I know what is left behind is clean eating.  It was one of many steps to lead myself to a healthier lifestyle.


Next I headed to the freezer.  There was some containers of ......stuff!  Was it broth that I made?  I don't know....was it a soup I froze extra of?  No clue.....there were bags of edamame that I know were at least 2 years old......out it went.  The containers were all put in the sink and thawed; what did not melt went into the garbage.  I know that  the food left in the freezer all is marked with dates; it is clean food; it is refreshing to know nothing will have freezer burn as one of my intentions for this year is to challenge myself to use food in the pantry and freezer to cut the grocery bill down.


Lastly, I went into the fridge.  This was not as scary as I do clean the fridge of the meat/cake regularly.  Actually I don't get much meat/cake anymore.  You ask what is meat/cake?!  It is when you look at the food and ask......is this meat or cake?!  I am not saying it was pristine....it was not BUT nothing melted in my hand when it was touched.  Yes I did have a squash that was not looking healthy; there were onion skins all over the bottom drawer.  Another bag was opened to toss anything that should not continue to live in the fridge.  I found herbs purchased with a specific recipe in mind and maybe the recipe was made but the leftovers were not treated with kindness.  They were left to die.  I had a container of yogurt that I had no clue it was that old.......almost time for a birthday party!  Away it went.  When all was said and done, even the fridge was clean and organized.


My kitchen strategy is to make 1 pot of soup per week and then 1 or 2 recipes for additional meals.  I love cooking and am not a big fan of eating out.....so it will be good for me to have some control over the preservatives that will enter my body.  I made a fabulous chicken apple stew last week.....YUM.  It is a keeper and will be part of the regular rotation.  I had a list, it was followed to the T.....and I had great meals for myself, never feeling deprived or wanting for something.  It was the first time in a long time I was not going from one spot to another in search of SOMETHING to graze on.  Woot Woot!!


This morning I was on yet another mission to rid myself of STUFF.  I was getting help in installing a new TV so I had to clean areas of my bedroom.  All the clothes had to be put away.  That was one heck of a mission!!  Once it was finally complete I pulled out a drawer.  The contents were ceremoniously deposited on the bed and the decision was made as to its worth.....keep or toss.  The toss pile was divided into 2 sections......toss to the garbage or toss to the donation pile.  There are items that will never be donated and each item of clothing was inspected.  I do not take stained or items in bad shape to Salvation Army.  Everyone deserves to have clothes that are respectable to be worn.  One drawer after another had the same process......empty and sort.  It was such a good feeling to have only what I want and need in the closet.  I am 55 years young and had some items that for me, were no longer age appropriate.  I am not a layering type person as I am ALWAYS warm.  Someone will be getting some very nice pieces of clothing.  I have 1 bin left to go through.  That is on the agenda for the morning so I can say emphatically that my closet is clean and good FOR ME.


I am not a minimalist by any stretch of the imagination BUT I know I have clothes that have not been worn for a good long time.  I have my work 'uniform' and I am not THAT social yet where I need or even desire all these articles of clothing.  Next in the closet will be holiday decorations!  I have my lovely niece who will absolutely love to take some of the seasonal decorations.....and I would want to believe that these items are finding a gentle, kind home. The most important thing is they are leaving my house.


What is the purpose of this post?  I feel freed from the chains of STUFF.  Food stuff......it does not have to be eaten to get rid of it; clothing stuff.....it does not have to be worn by me to be useful.  The more I can let go, the more I can find the real me and feel centered/grounded/relief not to have all this STUFF weighing me down.  I have enough in my life trying to do just that.  Well, I am in control.....there is a new sheriff in town (or at least stronger than ever before) so beware!

Sometimes it is NOT all about me.....

Wow, did I really write that?!


The place this is coming from is I have a dear friend moving today.  I am sad, I have shed tears and have tried to make it about me.  How sad I am, how this impacts me.  Boy is that selfish......and not the person I try to be on a regular basis.


I sat down yesterday and started to make a list why this is necessary for my friend.  A little background.....my friend has been living with MS for maybe 10 years.  Up until a year ago, when she had to have surgery for a broken ankle, she was in remission.  The doctors told her family (maybe her too in a drug induced state) that going under the anaesthesia it could affect her MS in the future.  Damned if it did not come true; her doctors have confirmed she is now primary progressive with her MS.


I have watched for the last year or so her ability to get around slow down.  We used to spend long nights on her porch watching the people walk their dogs (K9 patrol is good by us :)   ).  This summer it was too hard to get back in the house.  It was 1 big step.  Late summer this friend sold her car.  We talked about cars with hand controls but in her heart, I think she knew that might not really be an option for her.  One has to be able to get in the car before it can be driven.  We talked about a lot of things....knowing someday she would have to find independent living because our townhomes are really not handicapped accessible.  Yes, modifications could be made BUT imagine the expense putting back the old way when someday the house has to be sold.


My lovely friend is a very smart lady.  She, like I, have never been married.  We are both lucky that we have good family to support us and rally around us.  My pup and I would visit almost daily and I knew she was looking into places she could move to.  We both really thought it would be down the road a piece yet.  Life goes on.....we are along for the ride and follow the detours when we encounter them.......sort of like with your GPS system when you hear it tell you 'recalculating' the route.


When she told me she picked a place, I cried like a baby at her house.  I was listening to her but not really.  I was making it all about me.  Even when she was picking a date to move I had the audacity to say "make sure your sister waits until after the holidays to make you move".  How selfish was that?!  This woman is having to turn her world upside down and I was worried about not seeing her.


I made this list of all the positives she is going to experience:

all the apartment is handicapped accessible
doing things on her own - being self sufficient
being more mobile (she is getting an electric wheel chair.....how cool!)
doing this on her terms; not being forced out of her place.  She had a say in EVERYTHING
this place, if it is not what she needs, does not have a long term commitment
she gets take her cat Pud with her
it is a brand new adventure; what is life without adventure!


I give her so much credit that she has listened to her body and heart.  She has made the tough choice and I need to support that choice.  Like she said, she is not dying......just moving 45 minutes away!  Phones work, there is google hangout for a group of us to chat together.  Lord knows I can and plan to drive over frequently.  I was never a real cat person until I took care of Pud when she was in rehab for her broken ankle.  Now, I love when he comes by and rubs his head on my leg, jumps up to let me pet him.


So, today is about my dear friend.  She is all packed and waiting for the movers to come; she is starting the new adventure.......with her cat and all her friends in her heart.

See you soon in your new place.....oh and Pud, I will bring more fresh catnip for you!!  xxoo

Fearless Living and Revelation

I have been slowly living fearlessly.  I see some of you shaking your head!  Yes you can live fearlessly and be slow about it!


Let me explain.  In the past, I would blow off an invitation, forget about a concert I got a ticket to, skip a cooking class all in the name of staying in my comfort zone.  I get feeling like 'I can do this alone' and when push came to shove I caved and hid in my cave.


One of my first adventures was to visit my dear god child's new adopted baby.  This cherub is too precious.  She let Auntie Elaine hold her, feed her.  I played with her fingers and toes; she cooed and drooled.......all the things a 3.5 month old baby is supposed to do.  Mommy took care of the burping and diaper changing!  Love the mama!!  If I had listened to that ugly voice in my head (to be named DEVIL WOMAN) I would have sat on the couch, watched TV (ok, listened to TV) while I knit away on my project.  I love that I got up and went without any second thoughts!  Babies are wonderful~


I am updating my bucket list, there are things on there that I have no desire for any more (dancing on a bar?!....really?  That is so Coyote Ugly ago!).....and adding things like lessons on how to really use my camera to take those fabulous pictures people post on FB all the time!


Now to that ugly monster......I have to address the elephant in the room so I can sweep it under the rug.  Someone I know is getting married.  I am happy for her.  She has not lived by the golden rules as I have so I want to know why her dreams are coming true and mine are not.......do you want to know why?  It came to me a minute ago.......she lives FEARLESSLY and continues to focus on what she wants.  I have not always been strong like that.


Now her not following the golden rules, did that really make a difference?  Probably not.  I mean, in my head it matters but does it really?  She is living her life the best way she knows how.....and I think, rather I believe, I have chosen to sit back and watch WAITING for life to hand me what I want because I have been a good girl.  Goody two shoes.  America's darling.......we see what I have gotten for that?!!


Well, no more.  I am living and DOING what I feel is right for me regardless of what anyone else might think.  I am FEARLESS AND I am ENOUGH.


See you soon..