Coming back.....Stronger, ready for battle and have fun

I know it has been a long while since I sat down to write.  There have been lots of changes going on and it is time to sit down and talk about it....and talk about my direction.



Since the last blog I have experienced some loss.  I lost a dear friend to breast cancer after a 13 year battle, I lost another 20+ year friend to complications of hip replacement surgery, but the hardest of all was losing my fur baby of 8 months to lymphoma.  Lily was 8 years old, I rescued her from a puppy mill and she was such a doll!  She was my best buddy as I rescued her after I lost my other dog to congestive heart failure.  This was a complete surprise.......up until the end she was a happy puppy, eating and playing........until she one day she was not.  Once I got her to the vet and did some tests, found the cause of her illness, she crossed over the rainbow bridge on June 7th without her mama there to  tell her it was ok.  The vet called to tell me she was in respiratory distress and while I was making decisions SHE made the decision for me and passed.  It has been hard for me to let go of the fact that I was not there to tell her how much I loved her.  She knew.......it was more of the fact I NEEDED to kiss her one more time, to pet her and love on her so she knew that the last 8 months were the best of her life and she made mine so rich.


Moving on from there, I have for most of the last 20 years been involved with Jazzercise.  Due to an injury I have not been very active in it.  With other business decisions, the owner decided that the time slot I assisted no longer needed a staff person.  When I got the email I was mad, sad, angry.....I ran the gamut of emotions.  I was dealing with Lily's illness and this came across my desk.  Dammit I had been a part of this for a long time!  In all fairness, the instructor has assured me I have a place to dance when I am ready.  What has this given me?  Once I digested it all, took care of the dog, I decided to find me again.  When I talked to my former trainer I told her that over the last few years I had spent so much time taking care of sick dogs and my injury (mainly the dogs!) that I lost ME somewhere along the way.


It took a lot for me to call Helga (her nickname) and ask for her help.  Once I did that, there was a huge weight taken from my shoulders.  I did not feel bad about the jazzercise anymore, I felt relief.  I was not afraid to walk in the gym again and wonder what they thought........no one cares!  We are all there to get in and out to work on our fitness and health AND get the heck out in a reasonable amount of time.  I committed to creating some consistency before committing to a new trainer.  I have not hated walking in the door one time yet!  I have not tried to create distractions or excuses for not going.  My plan was to go in the morning but I have actually gone after work when I missed a morning without a second thought.  This is all new for me.


I also got a senior yoga series to try.  I need to increase my flexibility.  I got this version as I found the yogi very easy to follow and I could make modifications and not feel stupid.  Yes, the voices in my head get in my way at times but I am working on all of this.  I am a blob of clay waiting to be molded in a whole new way.......maintaining who the core of me is.  Maybe it is a spit shine of what is really under all the years of dust and neglect.


Going forward I hope to have guest writers........I might ask friends to pick a topic to share and write a bit and paste it in here.  I have some wonderful friends with varied interests.  It is all wonderful stuff to hear and if I love listening to them I hope you would love to read them too.


I would like to leave you with one recipe I have absolutely grown addicted to!!  It is a great side that can be eaten hot or cold.

Grilled Sweet Potatoes

*  sweet potatoes, sliced about an inch or so thick.  A nice sturdy round

*  grapeseed oil

*  salt and pepper to taste

*  HOT GRILL!

Take the potatoes and wash them well.  Slice them in thick rounds and rub with the grapeseed oil.  Sprinkle with salt and pepper.  You can put them on skewers length wise or just place them on a hot grill.  About 7 minutes or so per side.  You should see nice grill marks on the potatoes when you flip them.

Once they are off the grill, let them cool a moment before serving.  On the other hand, I have taken them out of the fridge and eaten them that way straight as a snack!  They are yummy with NO butter, brown sugar or other seasonings to make them tasty!

Until next time........xxoo

A wise friend once said........

.......just because the chapter might be a bad one does not mean the whole book is bad.


Read that again.......and again.  Each relationship we have, be it with people, our bodies, or ourselves is a new chapter.  Let me say this MIGHT be a long blog......I have a lot to say.


It has taken me some time to get here to write.  Life has been busy and I have not made my release a priority.  I find that when I write, journal, or have another release of sorts for all the voices in my head I am in a much better place.


As I signed into the blog today, I was thinking how I used to be out there.....REALLY out there.  I had been looking at pictures of Lady Gaga and some of her understated attire and it followed with some of her more outrageous items!  It made me smile!  I used to be like that........really out there.  I liked my body....it was not perfect by any means but I liked it.  I like the way my breasts were presented in lingerie.  The girls sat up high where they belong.  I had curves......not all of them in the right places but I had curves.  I enjoyed the attention I got from gentlemen (and yes, I really mean gentlemen).  I was on the top of the world.


Today I wonder why that changed.  I have thought about it.  Some of it came from putting on a few more pounds.  Some of it came from attention I got from NOT gentlemen.  Cat calls of being fat hurt.  I heard it long enough that I started to believe it.  When I did not turn heads anymore I did not know who I was.  How sad is that?  I did not wear as much make up, did not dress out there.....I started to dress frumpy for lack of a better term.  If I was not going to get good attention I did not want any.  I wanted to hide.


Can I blame my unhappiness on my surroundings?  Maybe.  I don't know.  I loved dressing up.  I loved showing off my assets.  My whole life I remember being told 'if you have it, flaunt it'.  In high school, the basketball coach would joke for me to get gussied up and go to the athletic director to ask for a NICE bus for our trip!  I remember dressing in pretty flowing blouses with gentle ruffles that would show off my cleavage.  Pairing that with a beautiful sewn down pleated skirt and low heels....I was in heaven.  I loved wearing flowing dresses, pretty skirts with soft cashmere sweaters that hugged me in all the right places.

WHAT CHANGED?!


I lost my mojo with men.  I guess I identified myself and self worth by the number of guys I attracted.  I would go out dancing and I could stop them in their tracks.  I was never at a loss for a partner when we went out to the clubs dancing.  I remember one night after bowling we went into the lounge area to dance.......I was flirting with a guy and he almost dropped his beer!  Now, he should not have been near the dance floor with his beer but it was nice that an attractive gent wanted to dance with me.


As I write this I recall times where I tried newspaper ads for dating (before the internet and social media were around).  I got the most bizarre responses.  80% or better were from men in jail (I guess they did not have much else to do besides read the paper!) asking me to wait for them until they got out of jail.  HA!!  There were kids (I was already 30+) barely 21 answering me and then at the other end of the spectrum, men in their 40s and older.  Men who loved coffee enemas (I am not sure why that particular man stuck in my brain.....maybe because he sent me the 'recipe' (YIKES!)  There was another guy who looked like a model and had everything in the world except a lady.  When I sent a picture to him, he was rude.  He told me there was no way he could ever like or love a FAT PERSON.  Maybe this was the start of scammers.....who knows.  It hurt for a long time.  The next great love of my life was killed in a car accident and I stopped searching for love.  My cup was empty.


Fast forward a whole bunch of years later and I got the courage to check out online dating.  I met a few people, was stood up a few time, and left standing in a bookstore.  This did nothing for my ego.  I know I am a good and pretty person.......why can't they see that?  I have been lied to, scammed (not to the point of losing money but lost time, hope, confidence).....I am not sure there are single guys anymore or had I fallen out of love with me, the frumpy girl, the girl who lost her zest for style and fun, the girl who was not putting herself out there.


I am working on my confidence with myself right now.  I am buying the pretty dresses, I am doing my make up more.  I found a delicious new scent that I wear all the time and get compliments on (Angel by Thierry Mugler).  I am wearing my hair longer and taking the time to curl and style it.  I feel pretty again.  I am not listening to ALL  the voices in my head.......listening to them less and less.  I am moving my body in ways that are comfortable and finding slow, consistent changes.  Some strength is coming back and seeing the changes that encourage me to do more.  I am enjoying my simple successes and using them as building blocks.


Paying for website dating or other types of dating have not scored much success.  Beware of It's Just Lunch......take this as a PSA.....DO NOT DO IT!!  I did a bunch of research and it is not worth it!  I am out there having fun with friends.....maybe when I am out doing things with friends I will bump into some nice......and this time, people I meet WILL NOT be how I value who I am.  I am good enough, smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me......and I am falling in love with myself again.

Write Your Biggest Regret......

Has anyone seen the video Ashton Kutcher made about regrets?  It is a video where a HUGE chalk board in put downtown New York City and has the header Write Your Biggest Regrets .  There are boxes of chalk....and it starts.


The first person writes something and other follow.  All kinds of things relating to education, dreams, desires, relationships.  It takes a few minutes to watch....and is very worth it.  Write your Biggest Regret


It was noted that ALL the responses started with the word NOT.  Some of mine would be:

Not ever dancing with my father
Not letting my uncle take me to the father daughter dance when my dad had to work
Not going to mother daughter events in high school
Not always being the daughter I should be to my mother
Not forgiving and letting go of crap that means nothing
Not taking care of me the same way I take care of others
Not doing more cooking classes where my passion lies
Not dancing more
Not
Not
Not........the list can go on.


Some of these cannot be changed.  My dad is gone so I never will dance with him.  I don't know that I had an opportunity but I do miss the fact that it did not happen.  My uncle, my godfather, is the dearest man ever and I promise that if the day comes that I get married HE WILL walk me down the aisle and ALL my living uncles will dance the father/daughter dance with me......dad will be with us in spirit.


Now, let's think about this.....why do we not do these things?  Many of mine are in fear; those ugly voices in our head.  We all know them as different people, HELGA, DEVIL WOMAN, SPITE....what ever you choose to name it.  It is absolutely to be fearful of taking a class on cooking!  What is the worst thing that will happen; I burn something and can't eat it?!  Big deal!


The more I think about this, it is having confidence in myself to pursue the adventure.  If we don't fail we will never learn from it to be able to grow and try something else!


At the end of the video (if you have not watched it yet SPOILER ALERT!), the chalkboard was wiped clean and simply put CLEAN SLATE.  Every day we have a clean slate to try again.  I believe, as long as we don't keep doing the same thing expecting different results, it is the healthiest thing we can do for ourself.  I have a clean slate to:

Be a better daughter, more forgiving, letting the past go
Take more cooking classes
Dance like crazy, take a belly dance class, a ballroom dancing class,
Take care of me like I am the precious person I am

I like it.......clean slate.......do over.....a new beginning every day!

Fearful or self preservation? I am not sure.....

As I reflect on my words for the year (FEARLESS and ENOUGH) I have had thoughts about my dating life, or the lack thereof.


Let me say that I truly believe we are exactly where we are supposed to be; we are put here in this place due to choices and circumstances.  I also believe that if something bothers us, we need to identify the THING (person included) and do forgiveness work.  In general I don't believe people intend to be mean or hurtful; it is how WE react to their words and actions.  It it all about them in their moment.  So where am I going with this you wonder........me too!


I have had some flashes of bad relationships and how hurt or used I felt.  There have been a few guys that have been jerks.  They all wanted something I had.  I know I wanted something from them......I was looking for my soul mate, my Mr. Right for me.  I was wanting, and still do want, to find someone to spend time with, who understands me and likes me with all my flaws.


In reflection, these guys I gravitated to all had their flaws too; I was determined to fix them; give them what they were needing so  they would need me back.  It might start out all well and good.  They get something and I got something in return.  I was needed and they SAID they loved me.  Did their actions show this, ABSOLUTELY not.  In the moment did I see it or recognize it?  ABSOLUTELY NOT.


I have tried the long distance relationship; that was hard.  That one hurt the most.  He took everything I had to give......knowledge, love, things. skills.  I got phone calls and the occasional visit.  The visits were occasional enough to keep me wanting more and not kicking him to the curb.  He was also not the sharpest tool in the shed.  When I had doubts about him and his sincerity I checked his email.  YES I was desperate enough to go to his email and see what he was sending and what he was getting back.  The dumb schmuck forgot I had all his passwords to help with his business.  At that point I was getting tired of doing work for nothing in return; prior I would get visits, phone calls, etc..  This had all slowed down to almost nothing unless there was a job involved.  I confronted him about what I saw and he had the audacity to tell me I was wrong.  Never once did he get mad I went into the email account.  I guess that was the back woods hick in him.  Yes this hurt to walk away but I knew in my heart that he was not vested in US any more.  All I was to him was a mule to get work done for him........he lost that lovin' feeling!  That or there was a prettier mule closer to home!  LOL


There have been others that have popped in and out of my life since.  I will honestly say that dating websites have progressively gone downhill.  I have been phished so many times I have deleted all my profiles, or so I thought.  I have been getting daily emails from eHarmony.  In their TV ads they state that they use all these matching processes to make sure you are finding your one true love.  Then why was I receiving contact from clients of theirs that had multiple accounts?  Same picture, different name, different city?  I asked that question and I was told (and it is also stated in the profiles) that eHarmony does not do background checks on any of their clients.  How are we to be sure we are not being scammed?


What brought about this blog today?  I received several calls from a group I checked into called It's Just Lunch.  It sounded like a fun thing to try.  This service has relationships with various restaurants and they match you with someone and you have lunch with the intention of meeting your person you can't live without.  It sounded great until I started asking about pricing.  They had the deal of the day...$3500 for 6 months.  I almost choked on it!!  I think I could hire a matchmaker cheaper!!  I begged off and told them I was not interested, the price was too high....oh and that I had done some research and their reviews were not glowing.  As a matter of fact, their reviews were in the toilet.  I was told to run the other way as fast as I could!!  People were getting 1 date that did not match anything they were looking for and then just before it was time to renew the subscription, there would be a flurry of activity under the guise that they were so close to finding your prefect match!


We won't even talk about the married men that have hit on my regularly.  Tell me folks, are heavy set, older ladies marked as someone who is desperate to have a boyfriend?  I don't need to have a physical relationship that bad........that what BOB is for if I am in that much of a need!


I have spent time journalizing all this stuff, writing letters to these less than kind gentlemen and burning them with the symbolism of letting it go.  I will take the extra time to put them in the 'junk' email folder and not think about it.


I am trying every day to live a little fearless......doing things that I have shied away from in the past.  I am sure I will meet someone, I know he is out there waiting for me.  I hope I am not old and feeble when we meet but I know it will happen.  That being said, all you website folks.......I am complete as I am.  My value and life  are not more or less if I don't have a significant other.  When I meet this guy he will enhance what I have not fill a void.  I am whole just as I am.  I am good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it.......PEOPLE LIKE ME!

Stuff......lots of it!

This new year has been full of cleansing rituals and purging of STUFF.  Nothing obscene or to throw up red flags on; plain old clean sweep.


Last weekend I spent the first day opening the pantry and realizing that I could not find anything I was looking for.  Not sure what I was looking for but there was so much crap in there I was beside myself.


I got the garbage can, opened the door and started tossing.  Looking at expiration dates was scary.  I had cans with an expiration of 2008......seriously??!  I know I have cleaned this out before.....maybe I read the date wrong but it was tossed.  I found items, tastefully simple and Two Sisters (the partylite food line) that had NO EXPIRATION dates.  That was really scary to me!  Were there that many preservatives in there that could keep this on the shelf indefinitely?!  YIKES!  One box after another, one jar after another, one can after another found their way into the garbage can.  When it was too full, the offending items sat on the floor.  I tried to lift the bag out of the garbage can.......nope, it was not happening.  I grabbed the box of garbage bags and started filling them to the point where I could carry them to the dumpster.  6, count 'em......6 bags were filled.  4 trips to the dumpster......and now I can see what is on the shelf.  I know what is left behind is clean eating.  It was one of many steps to lead myself to a healthier lifestyle.


Next I headed to the freezer.  There was some containers of ......stuff!  Was it broth that I made?  I don't know....was it a soup I froze extra of?  No clue.....there were bags of edamame that I know were at least 2 years old......out it went.  The containers were all put in the sink and thawed; what did not melt went into the garbage.  I know that  the food left in the freezer all is marked with dates; it is clean food; it is refreshing to know nothing will have freezer burn as one of my intentions for this year is to challenge myself to use food in the pantry and freezer to cut the grocery bill down.


Lastly, I went into the fridge.  This was not as scary as I do clean the fridge of the meat/cake regularly.  Actually I don't get much meat/cake anymore.  You ask what is meat/cake?!  It is when you look at the food and ask......is this meat or cake?!  I am not saying it was pristine....it was not BUT nothing melted in my hand when it was touched.  Yes I did have a squash that was not looking healthy; there were onion skins all over the bottom drawer.  Another bag was opened to toss anything that should not continue to live in the fridge.  I found herbs purchased with a specific recipe in mind and maybe the recipe was made but the leftovers were not treated with kindness.  They were left to die.  I had a container of yogurt that I had no clue it was that old.......almost time for a birthday party!  Away it went.  When all was said and done, even the fridge was clean and organized.


My kitchen strategy is to make 1 pot of soup per week and then 1 or 2 recipes for additional meals.  I love cooking and am not a big fan of eating out.....so it will be good for me to have some control over the preservatives that will enter my body.  I made a fabulous chicken apple stew last week.....YUM.  It is a keeper and will be part of the regular rotation.  I had a list, it was followed to the T.....and I had great meals for myself, never feeling deprived or wanting for something.  It was the first time in a long time I was not going from one spot to another in search of SOMETHING to graze on.  Woot Woot!!


This morning I was on yet another mission to rid myself of STUFF.  I was getting help in installing a new TV so I had to clean areas of my bedroom.  All the clothes had to be put away.  That was one heck of a mission!!  Once it was finally complete I pulled out a drawer.  The contents were ceremoniously deposited on the bed and the decision was made as to its worth.....keep or toss.  The toss pile was divided into 2 sections......toss to the garbage or toss to the donation pile.  There are items that will never be donated and each item of clothing was inspected.  I do not take stained or items in bad shape to Salvation Army.  Everyone deserves to have clothes that are respectable to be worn.  One drawer after another had the same process......empty and sort.  It was such a good feeling to have only what I want and need in the closet.  I am 55 years young and had some items that for me, were no longer age appropriate.  I am not a layering type person as I am ALWAYS warm.  Someone will be getting some very nice pieces of clothing.  I have 1 bin left to go through.  That is on the agenda for the morning so I can say emphatically that my closet is clean and good FOR ME.


I am not a minimalist by any stretch of the imagination BUT I know I have clothes that have not been worn for a good long time.  I have my work 'uniform' and I am not THAT social yet where I need or even desire all these articles of clothing.  Next in the closet will be holiday decorations!  I have my lovely niece who will absolutely love to take some of the seasonal decorations.....and I would want to believe that these items are finding a gentle, kind home. The most important thing is they are leaving my house.


What is the purpose of this post?  I feel freed from the chains of STUFF.  Food stuff......it does not have to be eaten to get rid of it; clothing stuff.....it does not have to be worn by me to be useful.  The more I can let go, the more I can find the real me and feel centered/grounded/relief not to have all this STUFF weighing me down.  I have enough in my life trying to do just that.  Well, I am in control.....there is a new sheriff in town (or at least stronger than ever before) so beware!

Sometimes it is NOT all about me.....

Wow, did I really write that?!


The place this is coming from is I have a dear friend moving today.  I am sad, I have shed tears and have tried to make it about me.  How sad I am, how this impacts me.  Boy is that selfish......and not the person I try to be on a regular basis.


I sat down yesterday and started to make a list why this is necessary for my friend.  A little background.....my friend has been living with MS for maybe 10 years.  Up until a year ago, when she had to have surgery for a broken ankle, she was in remission.  The doctors told her family (maybe her too in a drug induced state) that going under the anaesthesia it could affect her MS in the future.  Damned if it did not come true; her doctors have confirmed she is now primary progressive with her MS.


I have watched for the last year or so her ability to get around slow down.  We used to spend long nights on her porch watching the people walk their dogs (K9 patrol is good by us :)   ).  This summer it was too hard to get back in the house.  It was 1 big step.  Late summer this friend sold her car.  We talked about cars with hand controls but in her heart, I think she knew that might not really be an option for her.  One has to be able to get in the car before it can be driven.  We talked about a lot of things....knowing someday she would have to find independent living because our townhomes are really not handicapped accessible.  Yes, modifications could be made BUT imagine the expense putting back the old way when someday the house has to be sold.


My lovely friend is a very smart lady.  She, like I, have never been married.  We are both lucky that we have good family to support us and rally around us.  My pup and I would visit almost daily and I knew she was looking into places she could move to.  We both really thought it would be down the road a piece yet.  Life goes on.....we are along for the ride and follow the detours when we encounter them.......sort of like with your GPS system when you hear it tell you 'recalculating' the route.


When she told me she picked a place, I cried like a baby at her house.  I was listening to her but not really.  I was making it all about me.  Even when she was picking a date to move I had the audacity to say "make sure your sister waits until after the holidays to make you move".  How selfish was that?!  This woman is having to turn her world upside down and I was worried about not seeing her.


I made this list of all the positives she is going to experience:

all the apartment is handicapped accessible
doing things on her own - being self sufficient
being more mobile (she is getting an electric wheel chair.....how cool!)
doing this on her terms; not being forced out of her place.  She had a say in EVERYTHING
this place, if it is not what she needs, does not have a long term commitment
she gets take her cat Pud with her
it is a brand new adventure; what is life without adventure!


I give her so much credit that she has listened to her body and heart.  She has made the tough choice and I need to support that choice.  Like she said, she is not dying......just moving 45 minutes away!  Phones work, there is google hangout for a group of us to chat together.  Lord knows I can and plan to drive over frequently.  I was never a real cat person until I took care of Pud when she was in rehab for her broken ankle.  Now, I love when he comes by and rubs his head on my leg, jumps up to let me pet him.


So, today is about my dear friend.  She is all packed and waiting for the movers to come; she is starting the new adventure.......with her cat and all her friends in her heart.

See you soon in your new place.....oh and Pud, I will bring more fresh catnip for you!!  xxoo

Fearless Living and Revelation

I have been slowly living fearlessly.  I see some of you shaking your head!  Yes you can live fearlessly and be slow about it!


Let me explain.  In the past, I would blow off an invitation, forget about a concert I got a ticket to, skip a cooking class all in the name of staying in my comfort zone.  I get feeling like 'I can do this alone' and when push came to shove I caved and hid in my cave.


One of my first adventures was to visit my dear god child's new adopted baby.  This cherub is too precious.  She let Auntie Elaine hold her, feed her.  I played with her fingers and toes; she cooed and drooled.......all the things a 3.5 month old baby is supposed to do.  Mommy took care of the burping and diaper changing!  Love the mama!!  If I had listened to that ugly voice in my head (to be named DEVIL WOMAN) I would have sat on the couch, watched TV (ok, listened to TV) while I knit away on my project.  I love that I got up and went without any second thoughts!  Babies are wonderful~


I am updating my bucket list, there are things on there that I have no desire for any more (dancing on a bar?!....really?  That is so Coyote Ugly ago!).....and adding things like lessons on how to really use my camera to take those fabulous pictures people post on FB all the time!


Now to that ugly monster......I have to address the elephant in the room so I can sweep it under the rug.  Someone I know is getting married.  I am happy for her.  She has not lived by the golden rules as I have so I want to know why her dreams are coming true and mine are not.......do you want to know why?  It came to me a minute ago.......she lives FEARLESSLY and continues to focus on what she wants.  I have not always been strong like that.


Now her not following the golden rules, did that really make a difference?  Probably not.  I mean, in my head it matters but does it really?  She is living her life the best way she knows how.....and I think, rather I believe, I have chosen to sit back and watch WAITING for life to hand me what I want because I have been a good girl.  Goody two shoes.  America's darling.......we see what I have gotten for that?!!


Well, no more.  I am living and DOING what I feel is right for me regardless of what anyone else might think.  I am FEARLESS AND I am ENOUGH.


See you soon..