Write Your Biggest Regret......

Has anyone seen the video Ashton Kutcher made about regrets?  It is a video where a HUGE chalk board in put downtown New York City and has the header Write Your Biggest Regrets .  There are boxes of chalk....and it starts.


The first person writes something and other follow.  All kinds of things relating to education, dreams, desires, relationships.  It takes a few minutes to watch....and is very worth it.  Write your Biggest Regret


It was noted that ALL the responses started with the word NOT.  Some of mine would be:

Not ever dancing with my father
Not letting my uncle take me to the father daughter dance when my dad had to work
Not going to mother daughter events in high school
Not always being the daughter I should be to my mother
Not forgiving and letting go of crap that means nothing
Not taking care of me the same way I take care of others
Not doing more cooking classes where my passion lies
Not dancing more
Not
Not
Not........the list can go on.


Some of these cannot be changed.  My dad is gone so I never will dance with him.  I don't know that I had an opportunity but I do miss the fact that it did not happen.  My uncle, my godfather, is the dearest man ever and I promise that if the day comes that I get married HE WILL walk me down the aisle and ALL my living uncles will dance the father/daughter dance with me......dad will be with us in spirit.


Now, let's think about this.....why do we not do these things?  Many of mine are in fear; those ugly voices in our head.  We all know them as different people, HELGA, DEVIL WOMAN, SPITE....what ever you choose to name it.  It is absolutely to be fearful of taking a class on cooking!  What is the worst thing that will happen; I burn something and can't eat it?!  Big deal!


The more I think about this, it is having confidence in myself to pursue the adventure.  If we don't fail we will never learn from it to be able to grow and try something else!


At the end of the video (if you have not watched it yet SPOILER ALERT!), the chalkboard was wiped clean and simply put CLEAN SLATE.  Every day we have a clean slate to try again.  I believe, as long as we don't keep doing the same thing expecting different results, it is the healthiest thing we can do for ourself.  I have a clean slate to:

Be a better daughter, more forgiving, letting the past go
Take more cooking classes
Dance like crazy, take a belly dance class, a ballroom dancing class,
Take care of me like I am the precious person I am

I like it.......clean slate.......do over.....a new beginning every day!

Fearful or self preservation? I am not sure.....

As I reflect on my words for the year (FEARLESS and ENOUGH) I have had thoughts about my dating life, or the lack thereof.


Let me say that I truly believe we are exactly where we are supposed to be; we are put here in this place due to choices and circumstances.  I also believe that if something bothers us, we need to identify the THING (person included) and do forgiveness work.  In general I don't believe people intend to be mean or hurtful; it is how WE react to their words and actions.  It it all about them in their moment.  So where am I going with this you wonder........me too!


I have had some flashes of bad relationships and how hurt or used I felt.  There have been a few guys that have been jerks.  They all wanted something I had.  I know I wanted something from them......I was looking for my soul mate, my Mr. Right for me.  I was wanting, and still do want, to find someone to spend time with, who understands me and likes me with all my flaws.


In reflection, these guys I gravitated to all had their flaws too; I was determined to fix them; give them what they were needing so  they would need me back.  It might start out all well and good.  They get something and I got something in return.  I was needed and they SAID they loved me.  Did their actions show this, ABSOLUTELY not.  In the moment did I see it or recognize it?  ABSOLUTELY NOT.


I have tried the long distance relationship; that was hard.  That one hurt the most.  He took everything I had to give......knowledge, love, things. skills.  I got phone calls and the occasional visit.  The visits were occasional enough to keep me wanting more and not kicking him to the curb.  He was also not the sharpest tool in the shed.  When I had doubts about him and his sincerity I checked his email.  YES I was desperate enough to go to his email and see what he was sending and what he was getting back.  The dumb schmuck forgot I had all his passwords to help with his business.  At that point I was getting tired of doing work for nothing in return; prior I would get visits, phone calls, etc..  This had all slowed down to almost nothing unless there was a job involved.  I confronted him about what I saw and he had the audacity to tell me I was wrong.  Never once did he get mad I went into the email account.  I guess that was the back woods hick in him.  Yes this hurt to walk away but I knew in my heart that he was not vested in US any more.  All I was to him was a mule to get work done for him........he lost that lovin' feeling!  That or there was a prettier mule closer to home!  LOL


There have been others that have popped in and out of my life since.  I will honestly say that dating websites have progressively gone downhill.  I have been phished so many times I have deleted all my profiles, or so I thought.  I have been getting daily emails from eHarmony.  In their TV ads they state that they use all these matching processes to make sure you are finding your one true love.  Then why was I receiving contact from clients of theirs that had multiple accounts?  Same picture, different name, different city?  I asked that question and I was told (and it is also stated in the profiles) that eHarmony does not do background checks on any of their clients.  How are we to be sure we are not being scammed?


What brought about this blog today?  I received several calls from a group I checked into called It's Just Lunch.  It sounded like a fun thing to try.  This service has relationships with various restaurants and they match you with someone and you have lunch with the intention of meeting your person you can't live without.  It sounded great until I started asking about pricing.  They had the deal of the day...$3500 for 6 months.  I almost choked on it!!  I think I could hire a matchmaker cheaper!!  I begged off and told them I was not interested, the price was too high....oh and that I had done some research and their reviews were not glowing.  As a matter of fact, their reviews were in the toilet.  I was told to run the other way as fast as I could!!  People were getting 1 date that did not match anything they were looking for and then just before it was time to renew the subscription, there would be a flurry of activity under the guise that they were so close to finding your prefect match!


We won't even talk about the married men that have hit on my regularly.  Tell me folks, are heavy set, older ladies marked as someone who is desperate to have a boyfriend?  I don't need to have a physical relationship that bad........that what BOB is for if I am in that much of a need!


I have spent time journalizing all this stuff, writing letters to these less than kind gentlemen and burning them with the symbolism of letting it go.  I will take the extra time to put them in the 'junk' email folder and not think about it.


I am trying every day to live a little fearless......doing things that I have shied away from in the past.  I am sure I will meet someone, I know he is out there waiting for me.  I hope I am not old and feeble when we meet but I know it will happen.  That being said, all you website folks.......I am complete as I am.  My value and life  are not more or less if I don't have a significant other.  When I meet this guy he will enhance what I have not fill a void.  I am whole just as I am.  I am good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it.......PEOPLE LIKE ME!

Stuff......lots of it!

This new year has been full of cleansing rituals and purging of STUFF.  Nothing obscene or to throw up red flags on; plain old clean sweep.


Last weekend I spent the first day opening the pantry and realizing that I could not find anything I was looking for.  Not sure what I was looking for but there was so much crap in there I was beside myself.


I got the garbage can, opened the door and started tossing.  Looking at expiration dates was scary.  I had cans with an expiration of 2008......seriously??!  I know I have cleaned this out before.....maybe I read the date wrong but it was tossed.  I found items, tastefully simple and Two Sisters (the partylite food line) that had NO EXPIRATION dates.  That was really scary to me!  Were there that many preservatives in there that could keep this on the shelf indefinitely?!  YIKES!  One box after another, one jar after another, one can after another found their way into the garbage can.  When it was too full, the offending items sat on the floor.  I tried to lift the bag out of the garbage can.......nope, it was not happening.  I grabbed the box of garbage bags and started filling them to the point where I could carry them to the dumpster.  6, count 'em......6 bags were filled.  4 trips to the dumpster......and now I can see what is on the shelf.  I know what is left behind is clean eating.  It was one of many steps to lead myself to a healthier lifestyle.


Next I headed to the freezer.  There was some containers of ......stuff!  Was it broth that I made?  I don't know....was it a soup I froze extra of?  No clue.....there were bags of edamame that I know were at least 2 years old......out it went.  The containers were all put in the sink and thawed; what did not melt went into the garbage.  I know that  the food left in the freezer all is marked with dates; it is clean food; it is refreshing to know nothing will have freezer burn as one of my intentions for this year is to challenge myself to use food in the pantry and freezer to cut the grocery bill down.


Lastly, I went into the fridge.  This was not as scary as I do clean the fridge of the meat/cake regularly.  Actually I don't get much meat/cake anymore.  You ask what is meat/cake?!  It is when you look at the food and ask......is this meat or cake?!  I am not saying it was pristine....it was not BUT nothing melted in my hand when it was touched.  Yes I did have a squash that was not looking healthy; there were onion skins all over the bottom drawer.  Another bag was opened to toss anything that should not continue to live in the fridge.  I found herbs purchased with a specific recipe in mind and maybe the recipe was made but the leftovers were not treated with kindness.  They were left to die.  I had a container of yogurt that I had no clue it was that old.......almost time for a birthday party!  Away it went.  When all was said and done, even the fridge was clean and organized.


My kitchen strategy is to make 1 pot of soup per week and then 1 or 2 recipes for additional meals.  I love cooking and am not a big fan of eating out.....so it will be good for me to have some control over the preservatives that will enter my body.  I made a fabulous chicken apple stew last week.....YUM.  It is a keeper and will be part of the regular rotation.  I had a list, it was followed to the T.....and I had great meals for myself, never feeling deprived or wanting for something.  It was the first time in a long time I was not going from one spot to another in search of SOMETHING to graze on.  Woot Woot!!


This morning I was on yet another mission to rid myself of STUFF.  I was getting help in installing a new TV so I had to clean areas of my bedroom.  All the clothes had to be put away.  That was one heck of a mission!!  Once it was finally complete I pulled out a drawer.  The contents were ceremoniously deposited on the bed and the decision was made as to its worth.....keep or toss.  The toss pile was divided into 2 sections......toss to the garbage or toss to the donation pile.  There are items that will never be donated and each item of clothing was inspected.  I do not take stained or items in bad shape to Salvation Army.  Everyone deserves to have clothes that are respectable to be worn.  One drawer after another had the same process......empty and sort.  It was such a good feeling to have only what I want and need in the closet.  I am 55 years young and had some items that for me, were no longer age appropriate.  I am not a layering type person as I am ALWAYS warm.  Someone will be getting some very nice pieces of clothing.  I have 1 bin left to go through.  That is on the agenda for the morning so I can say emphatically that my closet is clean and good FOR ME.


I am not a minimalist by any stretch of the imagination BUT I know I have clothes that have not been worn for a good long time.  I have my work 'uniform' and I am not THAT social yet where I need or even desire all these articles of clothing.  Next in the closet will be holiday decorations!  I have my lovely niece who will absolutely love to take some of the seasonal decorations.....and I would want to believe that these items are finding a gentle, kind home. The most important thing is they are leaving my house.


What is the purpose of this post?  I feel freed from the chains of STUFF.  Food stuff......it does not have to be eaten to get rid of it; clothing stuff.....it does not have to be worn by me to be useful.  The more I can let go, the more I can find the real me and feel centered/grounded/relief not to have all this STUFF weighing me down.  I have enough in my life trying to do just that.  Well, I am in control.....there is a new sheriff in town (or at least stronger than ever before) so beware!

Sometimes it is NOT all about me.....

Wow, did I really write that?!


The place this is coming from is I have a dear friend moving today.  I am sad, I have shed tears and have tried to make it about me.  How sad I am, how this impacts me.  Boy is that selfish......and not the person I try to be on a regular basis.


I sat down yesterday and started to make a list why this is necessary for my friend.  A little background.....my friend has been living with MS for maybe 10 years.  Up until a year ago, when she had to have surgery for a broken ankle, she was in remission.  The doctors told her family (maybe her too in a drug induced state) that going under the anaesthesia it could affect her MS in the future.  Damned if it did not come true; her doctors have confirmed she is now primary progressive with her MS.


I have watched for the last year or so her ability to get around slow down.  We used to spend long nights on her porch watching the people walk their dogs (K9 patrol is good by us :)   ).  This summer it was too hard to get back in the house.  It was 1 big step.  Late summer this friend sold her car.  We talked about cars with hand controls but in her heart, I think she knew that might not really be an option for her.  One has to be able to get in the car before it can be driven.  We talked about a lot of things....knowing someday she would have to find independent living because our townhomes are really not handicapped accessible.  Yes, modifications could be made BUT imagine the expense putting back the old way when someday the house has to be sold.


My lovely friend is a very smart lady.  She, like I, have never been married.  We are both lucky that we have good family to support us and rally around us.  My pup and I would visit almost daily and I knew she was looking into places she could move to.  We both really thought it would be down the road a piece yet.  Life goes on.....we are along for the ride and follow the detours when we encounter them.......sort of like with your GPS system when you hear it tell you 'recalculating' the route.


When she told me she picked a place, I cried like a baby at her house.  I was listening to her but not really.  I was making it all about me.  Even when she was picking a date to move I had the audacity to say "make sure your sister waits until after the holidays to make you move".  How selfish was that?!  This woman is having to turn her world upside down and I was worried about not seeing her.


I made this list of all the positives she is going to experience:

all the apartment is handicapped accessible
doing things on her own - being self sufficient
being more mobile (she is getting an electric wheel chair.....how cool!)
doing this on her terms; not being forced out of her place.  She had a say in EVERYTHING
this place, if it is not what she needs, does not have a long term commitment
she gets take her cat Pud with her
it is a brand new adventure; what is life without adventure!


I give her so much credit that she has listened to her body and heart.  She has made the tough choice and I need to support that choice.  Like she said, she is not dying......just moving 45 minutes away!  Phones work, there is google hangout for a group of us to chat together.  Lord knows I can and plan to drive over frequently.  I was never a real cat person until I took care of Pud when she was in rehab for her broken ankle.  Now, I love when he comes by and rubs his head on my leg, jumps up to let me pet him.


So, today is about my dear friend.  She is all packed and waiting for the movers to come; she is starting the new adventure.......with her cat and all her friends in her heart.

See you soon in your new place.....oh and Pud, I will bring more fresh catnip for you!!  xxoo

Fearless Living and Revelation

I have been slowly living fearlessly.  I see some of you shaking your head!  Yes you can live fearlessly and be slow about it!


Let me explain.  In the past, I would blow off an invitation, forget about a concert I got a ticket to, skip a cooking class all in the name of staying in my comfort zone.  I get feeling like 'I can do this alone' and when push came to shove I caved and hid in my cave.


One of my first adventures was to visit my dear god child's new adopted baby.  This cherub is too precious.  She let Auntie Elaine hold her, feed her.  I played with her fingers and toes; she cooed and drooled.......all the things a 3.5 month old baby is supposed to do.  Mommy took care of the burping and diaper changing!  Love the mama!!  If I had listened to that ugly voice in my head (to be named DEVIL WOMAN) I would have sat on the couch, watched TV (ok, listened to TV) while I knit away on my project.  I love that I got up and went without any second thoughts!  Babies are wonderful~


I am updating my bucket list, there are things on there that I have no desire for any more (dancing on a bar?!....really?  That is so Coyote Ugly ago!).....and adding things like lessons on how to really use my camera to take those fabulous pictures people post on FB all the time!


Now to that ugly monster......I have to address the elephant in the room so I can sweep it under the rug.  Someone I know is getting married.  I am happy for her.  She has not lived by the golden rules as I have so I want to know why her dreams are coming true and mine are not.......do you want to know why?  It came to me a minute ago.......she lives FEARLESSLY and continues to focus on what she wants.  I have not always been strong like that.


Now her not following the golden rules, did that really make a difference?  Probably not.  I mean, in my head it matters but does it really?  She is living her life the best way she knows how.....and I think, rather I believe, I have chosen to sit back and watch WAITING for life to hand me what I want because I have been a good girl.  Goody two shoes.  America's darling.......we see what I have gotten for that?!!


Well, no more.  I am living and DOING what I feel is right for me regardless of what anyone else might think.  I am FEARLESS AND I am ENOUGH.


See you soon..

Pick a word......or two

It is almost New Year's Eve which makes me think of new years resolutions.  Talk about rushing the days away!


I am engaged in a group that is a bit different in making me think outside of the box when it comes to diet and exercise and, in general, life!  One of the challenges we were given was INSTEAD of making a list of new year's resolutions, why not pick a word or two that would reflect what you want to achieve in the next year.  What is the difference you ask?  Well when you are working towards something, you allow yourself to fail, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again.  Hopefully the second time will not be doing the same thing again expecting different results!!


I have taken this to heart........resolutions have the connotation of failure.  How many times have we seen the groups of people going to the gym and in 4 weeks stop going; how many people quickly join weight loss programs with the intention of being at a goal weight in 2 months?  This is not my plan anymore.


The words I have chosen for the year are FEARLESS and ENOUGH.


Fearless is HUGE for me.  Sometimes I listen to the voices in my head that tell me that because I have not been to the gym in a long time, people will look at me and think WHY is she coming in now and how long will she last?  This same voice has told me in the past that I am not going to lose weight because I love to cook.  I am going to be fat because people in my family have all been fat.  Well HELGA......go soak your head!  I have been fearful for so long that I am excited to break those shackles.

By no means will I be perfect; we are all made perfectly imperfect, that I am sure of!  I have plans to try different things.  I love my jazzercise class (which I have been absent from) but need something more gentle too.  I have researched restorative yoga (I hope the yogi this time understands that I have NO experience with this an need to start small); in the same building (actually in the same studio on a different day) there are belly dancing classes.  I have taken a brief session with a group of friends on a cruise......one of my friends who led the class was a prima belly dancer (does the word prima go with belly dancing or just ballerina?!)


I am going to go see movies even if it means going alone.  There is no sin in going alone.  I always thought that going alone meant you had no friends or date.  How silly is that?!  I want to see every romantic comedy and fun movie that tickles my funny bone.  I used to go to the movies all the time......but I guess, as I look back, was usually with a guy I was seeing.  I guess that is how I have associated the two......BUT NO MORE.


I have created a vision board and wish I knew how to post it here in the blog.  It reflects the things I really want to try; ballroom dancing, belly dancing, body movement in general.  

This also needs to be part of my life in terms of meeting new people.  I have been through the worst (I hope) of the dating websites.  I am POSITIVE that I won't go down that same path again but hope by putting good energy and vibes out there my mr close enough will find me.....maybe even at one of the new things I want to try!


Enough is the other word. I AM ENOUGH.  I don't need to get another degree unless it is really something I am interested in.  The last 2 I got were because it was expected of me.  I worked like a dog with groups that were not as invested in it as I was....or maybe it was HELGA again; I worked hard for a perfect grade/score/presentation.  I made myself crazy...and a 100 and a 95 were still an A; in real life who cares if it is an A+, A or A-...did I learn something?  Was I going to be able to apply it when necessary?  Sheesh, the hours of stress and missed events were NOT worth it.  I can say that now because I am in a different place but in the heat of the moment I was crazed.  When I got my second MBA I was in a class with a girl who was MORE off the chart than I.  I did not think anyone like her existed.  I figured out half way through the class she was rewriting everyone's work so it sounded cohesive.  I was floored and tried to tell her to stop.  We all had our words and sections ...they should be presented as such.  She spouted to me she needed a perfect grade or would feel like a failure...did that hit me in the face!  I realized I was once that person.


I am enough when it comes to relationships.  Not just the kind with a guy...with friends too.  I don't have to make myself different or mold myself to what they want to see.  Variety is the spice of life and if we all colored with the basic 8 crayons life would be boring.  I am a pretty fun person.  I am smart, funny, sensitive, talented....


I am enough for me.

 Listening to myself I need to respect me and my time.  I need to book myself downtime or pampering time.  If I don't take care of me mentally, physically, nutritionally no one else will.  I need to be good for myself before I can be for anyone else.


So.......Happy New Year!   Are you going to pick a word and try to live it to the fullest?!

Getting started.......a wee bit early

2015 is coming quickly to an end.  There have been some highs and some lows...and a lot of in betweens.  Being ever hopeful, I am looking forward to a new year.  Does that sound right?  I am excited; the anticipation of what is to come!


I do not want you to think I am wishing time away.  I love that it is snowing right now!  The grass is lightly covered, the roads are damp and all is peaceful, well except for the accidents reported by the news reporters.


I am celebrating with friends; I am meeting 2 friends tonight for dinner; going to a gathering on Sunday to meet up with other friends.  I am shopping, looking for the most amazing gifts for friends and family.....I can't buy unless the gift SHOUTS their name!!  It really does......I hope I am the only one who hears the voices in my head.  Ha ha!


This past year there has been lots of fun.  I was on a cruise with 26 of my best friends who met online.  We laughed, ate, danced.....walked.  We walked a lot as we hit various ports...oh and we knit.  We did knit!!  I maybe a novice but they showed me what is possible with time and practice!


It has also been sad.  I lost my best fur baby.  Sassy was the best dog ever.  She was love, fun, and happiness all rolled up in one big ball.  She did, however, bring me a new fur baby that I am hoping will be the best ever!  Lily came from a puppy mill so we are working through stuff......like giving mama kisses!!


There were milestones.....my nephew Zak graduated high school!  My mom flew out for the event and we had a blast.  My 'kids' are really pretty cool kids and  this auntie loves them to the moon and back.


My goal with the new year blog is this, I hope and plan to write 1 time per week.  It will be about being grateful in life, successes and challenges, but most of all sharing and opening my heart and head to all the possibilities.  I am setting intentions for all the things I wish for and hope to achieve.

I hope you will join me along the way.......let's have some fun!!  Love to all and please enjoy the best Christmas season possible and look forward to the New Year and all it promises!  xxoo