I am putting my health first. I took a leap of faith for trying a new functional medicine doctor. It sounded scary.....not an MD but an OD. Is that like a voodoo doctor? The answer honestly is no. She is very thorough and we are making changes that I can feel some of the differences. I asked for food sensitivity testing. I am tired of belching after most meals. WHY?! It is not an attractive habit! Who wants to be out on a date and suddenly hear BRRRAPPPP....(even when you cover your mouth and excuse yourself!)I am now gluten, grain, dairy free, avoiding most nuts, apples, lettuce, tomatoes, celery, oysters, EGGS.....these were all things I showed sensitivity to. They are not gone forever, but will not be daily staples any more. I am almost half way through the healing/detox......45 days down, 45 days to go.
I also have not been taking the time to exercise like I want to. I feel tired all the time. WHY?? Because I am not moving. Why is it an oxymoron? We need to move to get more oxygen which increases our energy. Why have I been slacking? I don't feel like it! Why? Dig deep......well some of it is frustration, some of it is depression, some of it is lazy. Looking at each of these, what can I modify? Actually all 3.
First, I remind myself I am not perfect. I am not meant to be perfect. I can do the best I can at any given moment.....and as long as I don't give up on me all is good with the world! Let's say that again.....AS LONG AS I DON'T GIVE UP ON ME. Where does that come from? That ugly voice in our head.
I personally have named that voice so I have someone to yell at. She does not have control. She never will as long as I put her in her place. So this witch is encouraging me to slack and sometimes I listen. More often than I like to admit. We had a chat that I am in charge. I have struggled with the fact that most of my life I have had particular exercises that I enjoy. I keep going back to the fact that it is more difficult to do them since ankle surgery. WHY do I let her defeat me? There is more to life than Jazzercise. There is more to life than boring walks. There is more to exercise too. She was put in her place this week. I put me first. I have a timer set at my desk to prompt me to get up and walk every hour for 5 minutes to break up the monotony of work. In the morning I have been trying to get the dog out early to do a quick jaunt through the complex. I got up and went to the gym......I hated getting up but once I got there and put my tunes on I forgot about the hate and had a good time. I put me first!
At work, we have been busy. I have a lot of responsibility but that does not mean I should get lost in the fray. I am eating regularly and not ignoring my need for water and food because I am working on a project. I prepare on the weekend for food. I have found with my eating restrictions, life is much easier having go to foods ready. I am enjoying them. I LOVE the energy I have. I put me first!
It does not always work out that way though. I am sort of in a newer relationship. He is on the road....not in the continental US either. There is a big time difference. I am not patient. He is very patient. This is one place I am not so good about putting me first. I have been taking baby steps at it. Distance is hard. When he was in Alaska, we talked all the time. He called, I called. He sent texts, I sent texts. We skyped. When he was in London we still talked all the time. He called, I called. Texting was more expensive but when you can pick up the phone it was not a big deal. He has been in China for a few weeks. For whatever reason, he did not activate his international calling. He was actually only supposed to be there less than a week. It made sense. We correspond through yahoo messenger. It is not as good. Internet sucks, his computer crashed, internet sucks. Sometimes his headset cuts out so I can't hear him. I am frustrated and I am not verbalizing it. I am NOT putting me first.......not until the other day. I talked briefly of my expectations. Chatting daily should NOT be a big deal. I am not asking for much yet. WAIT UNTIL HE GETS HOME! He will be surprised what my expectations are AND I will be #1 again. Not in a bad way but how many times have we hear if mama ain't happy, no body is happy. I am mama....right now I am not happy and I am not making me a priority. It is something I am working through.
I have always been an enabler or caregiver. It is time to turn that inward and be a caregiver to myself....and enabler to myself to achieve all my dreams. Without dreams, what do we have to work towards?
